Making Art

How come it takes most of Thursday to make it downstairs and do art?

And then it is so enlightening and enjoyable!

Even the things that start out ugly end up having a certain beauty. It frustrates me how I avoid making art, and yet the act of doing it leaves me in awe every time that the creative process can be so mesmerizing and peaceful and revealing. I can't help thinking that my relationship to art-making mirrors my relationship to most things. Being hesitant to dive in because of the potential beauty that exists at the bottom? Or the potential mess I suppose.

Regardless, this day is looking up.

And I will take a photo and post it later of what I created today.

Alone at a Concert

It is winter here. The Pass has closed the last two afternoons due to car wrecks and flying snow. How did autumn disappear so quickly? Jamie hiked Mt. Glory yesterday and the snow was up to his thighs. Olive couldn't keep up with him because there was nothing to stand on, only partially frozen, unsteady ground. And then this afternoon he got called out on a Search and Rescue mission to find a stranded girl on Mt. Glory. Who is up there already? Hopefully she didn't have skis with her.

I was going to surprise him this evening with an Erica Wheeler concert up at Dornans. I ended up going by myself because I couldn't find anyone to go last minute, who wanted to venture out on a cold, icy night to travel the twenty minutes up to Moose. Erica was wonderful though, so soulful and folky and meaningful in her songwriting. She lives in New England and has a feeling that reminds me of college for some reason, maybe hinting at Indigo Girls and Ani DiFranco. She sings a lot about place and connection to it, and about the intricacies of nature.

The thing about sitting and listening to music by yourself is that you only have you to convey your thoughts to. I was reminded of Julia Camerons prompting in The Artist Way to take art dates with yourself. There is great merit in this act for sure. I thought about my place here in this valley, how I have carved a nitch for myself, and also about my other home that feels so far away most of the time: Maine. And about how they are both such powerful spots for me, and how lucky I am to have found them, one as a child, and one as an adult, or at least a grown up child. I missed Jamie.  I wished that he had been sitting next to me. But I am glad that I went, if alone, and I need to make it more of a habit in the future to ride solo.

Snowy Day

Today was the first day with snow in the valley. Four inches to be exact, and it didn't melt during the day. Instead the clouds above kept adding to the blanket of white, fat, wet flakes that drifted down all day. It is always a hard transition to go from bare ground to wet. I usually take Olive out for a walk on the first day with snow because she reminds me to appreciate what is. She finds the wet stuff a blast, although I did see her daintily holding her paws up on the driveway, as if the first touch of cold takes some adjustment on her end as well.
Tonight was the Old Bill's party at the Museum, the time when non-profits, donors, and boards come together to hear how much money was raised that year and to recognize all the make it possible. It is an event that gets my heart every time because this community is so incredibly rich in many ways, both literally, thankfully, and metaphorically. It makes you feel proud to be part of it, and it makes me happy to look around and recognize so many faces.

I am utterly exhausted. I managed to get myself up to work out this morning, but now, 8:30pm, I am ready for bed. Nigh, nigh.

Love

Jamie and I drove to Bozeman on Saturday to celebrate our marriage with friends of his parents and his grandparents, who were driving through on their way to Arizona. We also got to celebrate the second birthday of our niece, Emilia. The drive was lovely all the fall colors still very much alive. I love the colors here in the West. They really make you have to look to see the subtle variations and the muted tones; they don't pop all of the time in their flashiness.

The downtown of Bozeman is so lovely. It is a locals downtown, which I think Jackson really lacks. People were out and about. I bought a new pair of trail runners, almost bought a road bike, and found birthday presents for Beth and Emilia at the awesome book store that I could have stayed in for days.

The party was wonderful. Lots of smiling and hugs. I loved meeting people from all ages of Jamies life, those who have known him since he was three, those who remember him entertaining his mom's guests with the saxophone and magic tricks. It felt really rich and full. And I shed tears, when his grandfather got up to speak and when we all watched our vows on video. Jamie did too. It was nice to relive that magical day in July, and to watch this amazing person who I get to spend the rest of my life with interact with people from his childhood and life.

We went out with Jamie's high school friends after, many of whom have become good pals of mine too. We played Buck Hunter (don't ask, or do, but I will be embarrassed to admit my level of involvement), danced to a hair band, drank way to many odd things, and ate really good pizza at two a.m. with all of the college kids. A good night.

Moon-Clothes-Cereal-Reading

The moon wouldn't let me sleep last night. It poured milky, silver light through our new south facing window and onto the bed. I could have read my book without the light on. When my alarm went off at 6:15am to get up for my Ski Performance (there is no trace of snow, thank god) the sky was still dark and Orion shone brightly through the window, such radiant stars that I wanted to keep lying there and just look out at what was still night.

I want to dress more bravely, have more fun with my clothing. I can't really afford it, but I just want to go on a big splurge and reinvent my wardrobe and my look. How do we settle into such distinct looks? I sometimes wonder how I have ended up with so many pairs of jeans and fleece hoodies....

I ate cereal for lunch. Ever since Claire and I went backpacking in the Winds, I have been totally obsessed with having whole quick oats raw with coconut, flax seeds, almonds, dried fruit, sunflower seeds and occasionally a banana, topped with rice dream...usually for breakfast, but because I didn't today, I had it for lunch! I seem to eat really quirkily when Jamie isn't around....not necessarily badly, just different.

Going to bed to try to finish Orange is the New Black by Piper Kerman. She is a Smithie that was sent to prison for year for being involved in a drug ring. Quite engaging. My book pile is growing larger.....some self help books from the book sale, Room by Emma Donahue (my book club book), The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and some book about a border collie, go figure. I wish I was a speed reader, with a photographic memory.

Always Thinking...or How my mind can decide on a different, new occupation every week

Ever since the leadership workshop, when I identified myself as a relationship master and one who is a good listener, I have had art therapy/counseling on the mind. I hesitate to even share with the world that this is my latest occupation consideration, seeing that I seem to come up with a new one every week or so, but this feels like a safe space :)

It is such a blessing and a curse to have so many interests that can excite, inspire, and make you dream hard. In the past month I have gone from thinking about going back to school to be a graphic designer, an artist (do you need school for this?), an arts administrator, and now, art therapy, a topic that I thought about back when I was a senior in high school. I can get revved up about all of these things for different reasons, while also finding reasons why they aren't quite right or desirable enough to spend the time on money on. I see fear rising its ugly head for sure, but also the realization that I am a renaissance women of sorts. I find joy sitting in front of a computer creating graphic posters. I am blissed out when I am in the throes of a wonderful art project. I have some great ideas about how to lead an arts organization. And the idea of helping people and making the world a better, more art-loving place through counseling and art-making sounds amazing.

I get scared about my age sometimes. I don't want to bring a child into this world and not have done something with my own life that I feel really passionate about. I can look back over the last ten years and be extremely happy with the gifts that have been presented to me and the experiences I have had. But I can also see where I may have dragged my feet, not wanting to make decisions. 

I need to keep considering my options, thinking like a good relationship master does. But the time to act needs to come soon as well, because the weeks turn into months turn into years too quickly. And I have so much to do.

Saturday

--Early morning driving to the airport in the dark to drop Jamie off. Whiskers on my   
  sleepy cheek.
--Cuddled in bed with my guilty pleasure, the newest issue of Elle. Doggie snores beneath me.
--A stack of books in my hand at the library book sale, each book like a treasure unearthed.
--GT's Kombucha back at the grocery store. The rumor was it was unavailable for a while because Lindsey Lohan had some in her car when she got pulled over for her latest violation (there is a trace amount of alcohol in it).
--Another guilty pleasure...thrift store shopping. Nothing good and everything seemed to fit strangely.
--Walking with Olive through the crunchy leaves, the earth smelling like the slow decay of fall, the clouds whipping overhead, a mixture of puffy white and threatening grey.
--The thought of a nap.
--Mexican food, spicy and tasty, at my trainers client appreciation party.
--At the next party, dancing on a full belly of food to Zumba and having a whole lot of fun with my co-workers.
--Thinking about my mother and her birthday. How I wish I could be at dinner with my family tomorrow night.
--My eyelids heavy and ready for sleep and a Sunday that has no concrete plans...just what I love.

Leadership

Today I participated in a leadership workshop, led by two women who formerly worked for NOLS (National Outdoor Leadership School), and it was excellent. Not surprisingly the whole class was women (apparently men don't feel like they have to work on leadership :) ), which made it really nice and made me think of Smith.

Our first exercise was to put ourselves into a quadrant depending on whether we tended to show our emotions or not, and whether we were vocal and outspoken or more of a listener and thinker. The four quadrants were: the drivers (nonemotional and vocal), the analyst architect (nonemotional and thinkers), the relationship masters (emotional and thinkers), and the spontaneous motivator (emotional and vocal). I was the only relationship master in the group. It was then interesting to explore how those in different quadrants work with one another most effectively, and to realize that there is just not one way to be a leader. It was sort of like a four hour therapy session of sorts, which I loved.

I got a great deal out of this experience. If anything, just being validated that my innate nature is perfectly okay, and in fact quite a valuable resource to an organization. It isn't that I didn't already realize this, but I find these sorts of exercises completely reaffirming and inspiring.

I also realized that I have to trust myself more. I can continue to be a good listener, but can also open up my mouth a little more often.

Dealing with Conflict and Will the House Take Away My Husband?

I know that one of the hardest things for me is dealing with conflict. I don't like disappointing people and I would rather have pleasant conversations then ones filled with tension and sideways remarks. The rebuilding of the Dancers' Workshop website has been a thorn in my side and full of conflict, with me, yeah, the referee, the middleman. Our designer (who is my friend and quite a creative lady) and our developer (who is a nice person, but is a bit systematic) loathe each other, a relationship that has developed over the course of this project. They both think that they are right, not really trying to see the others point of view very readily. Today I got to sit in (hopefully) our last meeting together and at times I wanted to scream. And maybe I should have. This has been a good lesson in being more vocal, forthright, and diving right into the conflict. It is a hard process. It has also been a good lesson in remembering that there are two sides (or more) to everything. Which leads me to....

I felt annoyed tonight that I came home and the house was being demolished and Jamie hadn't made it to agility graduation to watch Olive be a champion. I felt awful being annoyed, seeing that this is our house that is being improved upon, but I couldn't help it. And I had to go on a walk to let my bad mood dissipate, and to realize how selfish I was being. That here was Jamie working on the house all day, and I could only notice what he didn't do that afternoon. I won't let the house take away my husband, but maybe I just need to get a little swept up in it too. For a while anyway.

Efficiency & Dog Love

Despite waking up an hour late this morning, for some reason my mind telling me that it was the weekend and that I could snuggle for extra minutes with my pooch, I had a day that felt efficient. And that is such a good feeling. I tend to play such games with myself, procrastinating to the point where I am forced to do everything in a short amount of time, but always managing to get it all done. Would I feel as efficient if I was more of a planner, and my tasks were spread out over days, weeks, months? Would I get satisfaction from feeling like I was doing my job well? Hard to know because I have never been a planner. And probably never will be, for better or worse.

When I am in my house I love only having one dog. When I am outside, on the trails, I adore having a pack with me, watching their interactions with one another and their curiosity with the outdoor world. I can be in hysterics one moment and full of awe at the presentness of these animals the next. It makes me wish that we had a bigger yard and more room. And that Olive wasn't such a princess, but of course there is only myself to blame for that one.

Walking up Josie's Ridge With your Boss..

...who is more like your friend. She can be such a difficult person. I sometimes wonder though if it is because I envy her bluntness, her ability to forge forward and get what she wants. It is a hard balance, keeping your own degree of confidence up around someone like Babs while also learning from her example and pushing forward with your own ideas and pursuits. I go round and round in this job, have for years, between feeling supported and inspired and feeling stifled and routinized.

She called me today at 3:30pm and asked if I wanted to go for a walk. And I was sitting in front of my computer, my eyes dragging and my emails stagnant, so of course I said yes. And as we walked up Josie's Ridge in the setting sunlight, doggies running around our legs, I thought how lucky I was to have a "boss" who takes me away from the doldrums of the office and gets me outside into the fresh air.

I have to realize how much I have, and how much ability I do have to shape this job if I really want to....

5 Gratefuls for Sunday

1. The ability and time to stay in bed an extra hour and read my book, Little Bee...pure indulgence.
2.The time and energy that Jamie is putting into our house.
3. Running with Olive, how our habits are routine to one another (she knows which trails I take, I know that she will tell me if there is a biker coming).
4. A wholesome dinner of local goodies.
5. Community radio that has been keeping me company all night.

Little Voice

I am downstairs painting today. Just diving in and seeing what happens. Trying to remember that I don't have to have a final product. Trying to ignore the little voice that pops up from time to time, asking me what I am doing, why I am spending my time on something that might never make it out of the room, questioning my work methods. It is a hard practice to just keep going and not listen to the questions.

I realize that I live so much of my life wanting something I don't have, waiting to start things when the "time is right", planning for a future that is totally constructed in my head. I am such a thinker and dreamer, not as practiced in the art of doing. I know that I do this with my creativity. I dream up projects in my head, and that is where they stay, as elusive goals that are not quite fully mine because I don't grab them and do. I just finished reading Women, Food, and God and The Artist in the Office, both quite different books, both full of little nuggets. But one idea they both touched on was to start where you are, to be with yourself as you are and not procrastinate, whether through eating, as in the former book, or through other methods of procrastination, as in the later read.

It is amazing, when the little voice is mute, how delightful the painting process is. The act of mark-making and seeing a composition come together before your eyes, through your hands work. How transformative just an hour can be to the psyche, how you feel a shift in connection to your art and yourself as an artist.

This is the start.

Dreams of Swinging & Kingfishers on Telephone Wires

I started writing in a small notebook today that I am going to carry around with me and record situations, items, people, events, thoughts, ideas to later use in art pieces--visual, written, who knows, maybe dance!
It is what I could give to my creativity today. I knew that today was going to be consumed with Cultural Council work, as it needed to be, and that it was not going to be the day that Alissa got to play with some artistic ideas. That will have to be Thursday, which is perfectly okay, because I feel better about my job because of the work I have put in. And I started this notebook, which was a to-do on my art list anyway. Here is what I wrote in the notebook today:
--my dream of being captured on a swing, going really high
--a kingfisher, his distinct long beak jutting out, sitting on a telephone wire above the Snake River. A dirty yellow bush in the foreground.
--fog mixing with the dulled autumn colors, beautiful and subtle
--photos of my dad's boat that looked like paintings or sculpture

Here are some of my to-do's on my art list, recorded in another journal:
--while the weather is still nice, get outside and paint/draw
--order art supplies
--return to life drawing (tomorrow night!)
--organize art space
--get good lighting
--research spaces to show
--library for art history books
--x-mas bazaar?
--sewing lessons?
--organic shapes, as wall pieces, as hanging pieces, as floor pieces
--painted landscapes, collaged, colorful
--sign up for the ArtSpot and make something out of plastic bags
--memory paintings

Starting

What is on my mind tonight...
I am thinking about my day tomorrow, how to shape it, push myself, get done what needs to get done.
I am thinking about my mom and Beth having fun, celebrating each other and themselves for being amazing women.
I am thinking about the questions that Babs asked us today in regards to our jobs--what inspires you, what do you love, what frustrates you, do you feel compensated for your work--questions that I recognize are unique coming from a boss.
I am thinking about my bed, about how excited I am to sleep tonight because my body is sore from a long day yesterday.
I am thinking about how I want to carry a small journal around and record the beauty that I see daily, but which seems to escape me once the days end and I sit down to write.
I am thinking about how excited I am to find a balance between work that pays and work that makes my heart sing, and how eventually the two could mesh.