Little Voice

I am downstairs painting today. Just diving in and seeing what happens. Trying to remember that I don't have to have a final product. Trying to ignore the little voice that pops up from time to time, asking me what I am doing, why I am spending my time on something that might never make it out of the room, questioning my work methods. It is a hard practice to just keep going and not listen to the questions.

I realize that I live so much of my life wanting something I don't have, waiting to start things when the "time is right", planning for a future that is totally constructed in my head. I am such a thinker and dreamer, not as practiced in the art of doing. I know that I do this with my creativity. I dream up projects in my head, and that is where they stay, as elusive goals that are not quite fully mine because I don't grab them and do. I just finished reading Women, Food, and God and The Artist in the Office, both quite different books, both full of little nuggets. But one idea they both touched on was to start where you are, to be with yourself as you are and not procrastinate, whether through eating, as in the former book, or through other methods of procrastination, as in the later read.

It is amazing, when the little voice is mute, how delightful the painting process is. The act of mark-making and seeing a composition come together before your eyes, through your hands work. How transformative just an hour can be to the psyche, how you feel a shift in connection to your art and yourself as an artist.

This is the start.

Dreams of Swinging & Kingfishers on Telephone Wires

I started writing in a small notebook today that I am going to carry around with me and record situations, items, people, events, thoughts, ideas to later use in art pieces--visual, written, who knows, maybe dance!
It is what I could give to my creativity today. I knew that today was going to be consumed with Cultural Council work, as it needed to be, and that it was not going to be the day that Alissa got to play with some artistic ideas. That will have to be Thursday, which is perfectly okay, because I feel better about my job because of the work I have put in. And I started this notebook, which was a to-do on my art list anyway. Here is what I wrote in the notebook today:
--my dream of being captured on a swing, going really high
--a kingfisher, his distinct long beak jutting out, sitting on a telephone wire above the Snake River. A dirty yellow bush in the foreground.
--fog mixing with the dulled autumn colors, beautiful and subtle
--photos of my dad's boat that looked like paintings or sculpture

Here are some of my to-do's on my art list, recorded in another journal:
--while the weather is still nice, get outside and paint/draw
--order art supplies
--return to life drawing (tomorrow night!)
--organize art space
--get good lighting
--research spaces to show
--library for art history books
--x-mas bazaar?
--sewing lessons?
--organic shapes, as wall pieces, as hanging pieces, as floor pieces
--painted landscapes, collaged, colorful
--sign up for the ArtSpot and make something out of plastic bags
--memory paintings

Starting

What is on my mind tonight...
I am thinking about my day tomorrow, how to shape it, push myself, get done what needs to get done.
I am thinking about my mom and Beth having fun, celebrating each other and themselves for being amazing women.
I am thinking about the questions that Babs asked us today in regards to our jobs--what inspires you, what do you love, what frustrates you, do you feel compensated for your work--questions that I recognize are unique coming from a boss.
I am thinking about my bed, about how excited I am to sleep tonight because my body is sore from a long day yesterday.
I am thinking about how I want to carry a small journal around and record the beauty that I see daily, but which seems to escape me once the days end and I sit down to write.
I am thinking about how excited I am to find a balance between work that pays and work that makes my heart sing, and how eventually the two could mesh.

CD

I feel so grateful to have someone in my life that I can be completely open with, whose words mesh with my own, whose ideas inspire and motivate me, whose brilliance in living makes me notice things I might not have, and whose love is steadfast. Despite living many miles apart, I always feel her bond to me. And I hope to for many, many years to come. I suppose this is what sisterhood feels like.

To a great week...

5 Gratefuls

1. That my body got a good workout, and I am starting to feel strong again.

2. Walking with Robin and doggies in the crisp air, the sun on our faces.

3. The sun...please stay!

4. That it is Friday!

5. Laughter. How it makes everything lighter....

Jewels

I wrote in my journal today that I want my days to be reflected back to me as if they were jewels, sparkly, unique gems that stand out. I don't want my days to blend together in monotony and routine, with me not noticing my environments, what gifts I have inside me and at my fingertips.

So I am going to try to be more observant, to record both in journal, notebook, and mind what happens over the course of a day. The additional day away from work, away from the computer and the office and the desk, will hopefully help me in this awareness and creativity. 

September 1. There is snow in the mountains already. We can see our breath when we go outside. The flowers have all curled inwards, all adopting a slightly gray color. They match the sky, whose grayness is like a heavy blanket. Not an uplifting color, but definitely a color that makes you want to put on your sweatpants and cuddle down to a movie. Maybe summer will come back, just a little.

Our Day....Looking Back

**I started writing this when I first got back to Jackson. Things have gotten in the way of writing, but I am working to change that....

I have been meaning to write all week, to get back to this place that was part of my life "pre-wedding". Now the wedding has passed and I am feeling a little blue, sad that all of the activity, anticipation, preparation, and excitement has passed, leaving behind lovely memories of one of the best days of my life.

Saturday, July 24. Butterflies in my stomach when I wake up, mixed with the stress that always seems to reside in my stomach when I have a lot to do in a short amount of time. Rain, sometimes in cold sheets. Flowers from Sue, dutifully picked up by my brother, ready to be arranged by my mothers' and Jamies grandmothers' deft hands. A white tent that takes up the whole lawn, aglow in the dark morning with Christmas lights. Direction of Claire, Kate, and Bryn, who take my needs and gracefully run with them. The tables start to come together, with votives, centerpieces, table numbers.  A vision is starting to become a reality. Periodically wondering what Jamie is doing, whether he is nervous, excited. Sweet Marit comes with bobbi pins and hairspray in tow and proceeds to not only soothe my mother, help dab a last minute stain out of my wedding dress (!), but make my hair look absolutely gorgeous. I begin to feel the realness of it all. Bridesmaids fill the upstairs of my parents house. Anne arrives to snap the activity, taking photos of my minimal makeup application. I feel like a celebrity, but also prefer when just my mom and I are sharing the bathroom mirror to apply mascara. Jamie is spotted out the window. He is wearing the straw hat I gave him and looking adorable, as usual. Giggle, mimosas, tears....I love all of the ladies who are getting ready with me so much. Adornment and then I get in the dress. Ahh, the dress that I love so much. So much. Fun, but slightly dangerous pink shoes on, I am ready to go. The rain has stopped and the air is a soft grey, cool enough so I don't get hot in my heavy dress and perfect for photography. The woods look magical as I walk down the path with my parents, who put so much into its existence and created a truly perfect spot for a wedding. I hide up the path with my parents, watching the bridal party move down the path, Olive walking beside Claire and Luke, not wanting Jamie to spot me prematurely. At Last begins and the moment is now, my parents and I walking down the wood chips, crossing the bridge and working our way up the incline to the arbor and my groom. Kisses to my parents and then I am there with Jamie, aware of the people all around us. Not feeling nervous that all eyes are on us, because these are eyes that love us. Fays kind words, Bryn reading an excerpt from The Gift from the Sea, everyone's cheers of support....then our words. My voice trembles a bit, but I take the words slow. Jamies turn...more misting. Olive is summoned and she works her way dutifully through the crowd, finding her parents, bringing us the rings like the best little dog. Ring vows and then our kiss and it is over, we are moving down the aisle as husband and wife. It went so quickly. It really was one of the most amazing episodes in my life. The people, the setting, the weather, the happenings. All formed together to make the experience one I will never forget.

More to come....