Always Thinking...or How my mind can decide on a different, new occupation every week

Ever since the leadership workshop, when I identified myself as a relationship master and one who is a good listener, I have had art therapy/counseling on the mind. I hesitate to even share with the world that this is my latest occupation consideration, seeing that I seem to come up with a new one every week or so, but this feels like a safe space :)

It is such a blessing and a curse to have so many interests that can excite, inspire, and make you dream hard. In the past month I have gone from thinking about going back to school to be a graphic designer, an artist (do you need school for this?), an arts administrator, and now, art therapy, a topic that I thought about back when I was a senior in high school. I can get revved up about all of these things for different reasons, while also finding reasons why they aren't quite right or desirable enough to spend the time on money on. I see fear rising its ugly head for sure, but also the realization that I am a renaissance women of sorts. I find joy sitting in front of a computer creating graphic posters. I am blissed out when I am in the throes of a wonderful art project. I have some great ideas about how to lead an arts organization. And the idea of helping people and making the world a better, more art-loving place through counseling and art-making sounds amazing.

I get scared about my age sometimes. I don't want to bring a child into this world and not have done something with my own life that I feel really passionate about. I can look back over the last ten years and be extremely happy with the gifts that have been presented to me and the experiences I have had. But I can also see where I may have dragged my feet, not wanting to make decisions. 

I need to keep considering my options, thinking like a good relationship master does. But the time to act needs to come soon as well, because the weeks turn into months turn into years too quickly. And I have so much to do.

Saturday

--Early morning driving to the airport in the dark to drop Jamie off. Whiskers on my   
  sleepy cheek.
--Cuddled in bed with my guilty pleasure, the newest issue of Elle. Doggie snores beneath me.
--A stack of books in my hand at the library book sale, each book like a treasure unearthed.
--GT's Kombucha back at the grocery store. The rumor was it was unavailable for a while because Lindsey Lohan had some in her car when she got pulled over for her latest violation (there is a trace amount of alcohol in it).
--Another guilty pleasure...thrift store shopping. Nothing good and everything seemed to fit strangely.
--Walking with Olive through the crunchy leaves, the earth smelling like the slow decay of fall, the clouds whipping overhead, a mixture of puffy white and threatening grey.
--The thought of a nap.
--Mexican food, spicy and tasty, at my trainers client appreciation party.
--At the next party, dancing on a full belly of food to Zumba and having a whole lot of fun with my co-workers.
--Thinking about my mother and her birthday. How I wish I could be at dinner with my family tomorrow night.
--My eyelids heavy and ready for sleep and a Sunday that has no concrete plans...just what I love.

Leadership

Today I participated in a leadership workshop, led by two women who formerly worked for NOLS (National Outdoor Leadership School), and it was excellent. Not surprisingly the whole class was women (apparently men don't feel like they have to work on leadership :) ), which made it really nice and made me think of Smith.

Our first exercise was to put ourselves into a quadrant depending on whether we tended to show our emotions or not, and whether we were vocal and outspoken or more of a listener and thinker. The four quadrants were: the drivers (nonemotional and vocal), the analyst architect (nonemotional and thinkers), the relationship masters (emotional and thinkers), and the spontaneous motivator (emotional and vocal). I was the only relationship master in the group. It was then interesting to explore how those in different quadrants work with one another most effectively, and to realize that there is just not one way to be a leader. It was sort of like a four hour therapy session of sorts, which I loved.

I got a great deal out of this experience. If anything, just being validated that my innate nature is perfectly okay, and in fact quite a valuable resource to an organization. It isn't that I didn't already realize this, but I find these sorts of exercises completely reaffirming and inspiring.

I also realized that I have to trust myself more. I can continue to be a good listener, but can also open up my mouth a little more often.

Dealing with Conflict and Will the House Take Away My Husband?

I know that one of the hardest things for me is dealing with conflict. I don't like disappointing people and I would rather have pleasant conversations then ones filled with tension and sideways remarks. The rebuilding of the Dancers' Workshop website has been a thorn in my side and full of conflict, with me, yeah, the referee, the middleman. Our designer (who is my friend and quite a creative lady) and our developer (who is a nice person, but is a bit systematic) loathe each other, a relationship that has developed over the course of this project. They both think that they are right, not really trying to see the others point of view very readily. Today I got to sit in (hopefully) our last meeting together and at times I wanted to scream. And maybe I should have. This has been a good lesson in being more vocal, forthright, and diving right into the conflict. It is a hard process. It has also been a good lesson in remembering that there are two sides (or more) to everything. Which leads me to....

I felt annoyed tonight that I came home and the house was being demolished and Jamie hadn't made it to agility graduation to watch Olive be a champion. I felt awful being annoyed, seeing that this is our house that is being improved upon, but I couldn't help it. And I had to go on a walk to let my bad mood dissipate, and to realize how selfish I was being. That here was Jamie working on the house all day, and I could only notice what he didn't do that afternoon. I won't let the house take away my husband, but maybe I just need to get a little swept up in it too. For a while anyway.

Efficiency & Dog Love

Despite waking up an hour late this morning, for some reason my mind telling me that it was the weekend and that I could snuggle for extra minutes with my pooch, I had a day that felt efficient. And that is such a good feeling. I tend to play such games with myself, procrastinating to the point where I am forced to do everything in a short amount of time, but always managing to get it all done. Would I feel as efficient if I was more of a planner, and my tasks were spread out over days, weeks, months? Would I get satisfaction from feeling like I was doing my job well? Hard to know because I have never been a planner. And probably never will be, for better or worse.

When I am in my house I love only having one dog. When I am outside, on the trails, I adore having a pack with me, watching their interactions with one another and their curiosity with the outdoor world. I can be in hysterics one moment and full of awe at the presentness of these animals the next. It makes me wish that we had a bigger yard and more room. And that Olive wasn't such a princess, but of course there is only myself to blame for that one.

Walking up Josie's Ridge With your Boss..

...who is more like your friend. She can be such a difficult person. I sometimes wonder though if it is because I envy her bluntness, her ability to forge forward and get what she wants. It is a hard balance, keeping your own degree of confidence up around someone like Babs while also learning from her example and pushing forward with your own ideas and pursuits. I go round and round in this job, have for years, between feeling supported and inspired and feeling stifled and routinized.

She called me today at 3:30pm and asked if I wanted to go for a walk. And I was sitting in front of my computer, my eyes dragging and my emails stagnant, so of course I said yes. And as we walked up Josie's Ridge in the setting sunlight, doggies running around our legs, I thought how lucky I was to have a "boss" who takes me away from the doldrums of the office and gets me outside into the fresh air.

I have to realize how much I have, and how much ability I do have to shape this job if I really want to....

5 Gratefuls for Sunday

1. The ability and time to stay in bed an extra hour and read my book, Little Bee...pure indulgence.
2.The time and energy that Jamie is putting into our house.
3. Running with Olive, how our habits are routine to one another (she knows which trails I take, I know that she will tell me if there is a biker coming).
4. A wholesome dinner of local goodies.
5. Community radio that has been keeping me company all night.