Snippets

I let Olive out this morning and there were deer tracks on our porch. I love living in a place where deer can easily and comfortably roam through your yard. It started my day off right.

The sun was out for what feels like the first time in days, and the sky was bright blue, the air crisp and clean feeling. Olive and I walked along Flat Creek on the bike path, in a direction I have never gone before. The chickadees were chirping, the creek was bubbling, and there was this sweet little cabin in the middle of a complex of newer houses that was all decorated for the holidays.

The arts are so alive here and it energizes me to participate more. A sculpture trail is being created at the Museum of National Art. A new gallery for locals is opening. Teton Artlab has turned an old candy factory into studio and exhibit spaces. My friend Abbie has launched a clothing line.

I go back and forth between what I want to do. With my life. I haven't signed up for any pre-reqs, partly because of fear and partly because I feel like I am closing the door on other things. I know I can try it all if I want to, but it all feels daunting and too much. I want to be an artist and be excited to be an artist. I also want to try to help people and live the richest and most curiosity-filled life possible.

I have been sending Sally Tomkins a great deal of love the last few days....

Day

Sitting here listening to one of my favorite community radio stations, KHOL....so lucky to have community radio in this wonderful valley. It is cold outside, in the teens, but our house feels super insulated, thanks to the hard work this summer. Thoughts of my day, amazed that it is already the last one in November.

--Freezing out this morning...the car didn't want to wake up to take me to Augies.
--Olive and I took our last walk on Putt Putt (because it closes to dogs due to wildlife for four months, starting December 1). She resisted chasing a herd of deer, with my firm assistance, and instead we played the Boo game. So much fun in the snow.
--Took my time getting to work and was busy the whole day with office activities.
--Took twenty minutes to watch this talk on Ted. com that Babs suggested I watch. Pretty cool when your boss takes you away from your work to sit and watch an inspiring talk on schools and creativity.  www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/ken_robinson_says_schools_kill_creativity.html
--Rehearsals....endless for the next two weeks. But fun too. Glad that I am in the production.
--To bed, and my book!

Snowstorm

We are getting pounded by a huge snowstorm that keeps dumping snow in the mountains and in the valley, a cold wind is accompanying it and the roads are quite treacherous. There is something exciting about it all, the first big snowstorm of the year, and the chore of defrosting and scrapping your windshield and shoveling and pushing snow off your driveway is still novel. And when you have a dog and you adventure out into the white, you can't help but love winter. Dogs love snow.

Highlights of my day:

--Working out with my Tuesday group and laughing a lot. Nice to have another female there today. It has been me and the boys.

--Putting on my snowpants and tromping through the drifts with Olive, rolling around in the snow and throwing snowballs.

--Working on The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe sets. Getting to make fake logs look like real log with paint...Working with the talented set designer John, who worked at Disney and has all of these amazing tricks up his sleeve to make drops and sets pop on stage.

--Yoga class, which was bliss-filled and has left my body long and pleasantly tired.

--A warm house, with the wood fire blasting.

A Warm Gift on a Cold Winter Night

Opening this gift and reading the inscriptions on the surface brought back so many happy memories from one of the best days of my life. I know that looking at this painting will always make me smile. Thank you for your thoughtfulness, your taste, and your love my dear friend.

Skiing

It was hard to leave the warmth of the house this morning and go outside. Despite my down jacket the air was cold and everything felt frozen and brittle. Even hiking up the steep slope of Mt. Glory, the wind whipping its way under my shell hood, I had my doubts that this was the place that I was supposed to be today, with a lingering cold. Olive's paws grew splayed with frozen snow, and her little face disappeared under a mask of white, making her look like a polar bear cub. My nose was dripping.

But coming down! With skis on and fresh powder underfoot. That magical feeling of turning through fluff, your legs working, but also the effortlessness that gravity supplies with the help of snow. It made me instantly happy that winter was here. I felt a shift in my attitude with the whole season today. And acceptance always feels good.

Hot cocoa at the end and the day was made....

The Next Book....

Robin and I left work today and walked to the bookstore because we have decided that in order to come up with good book club choices we need to feel the books. We are feelers. And it is true. There is something so different about looking at books and reading reviews of those books online compared with physically holding the book in your hand and turning its pages. I don't think I can ever be a Kindle reader. My eyes go googley (like that word!) enough already at the computer, and I don't need to be staring at another piece of technology to enjoy one of my favorite pastimes. Plus, there really is something to be said for holding paper in your fingertips, for the history that resides in books and their making and creation. Maybe I am old-fashioned in this regard, but I am steadfast at least.

Bookstores are so enticing. I can feel my pulse quicken in them, similar to what happens when I walk into a gallery that has an amazing show. I could walk out with piles, and feel thankful that I am such a good library patron or else I would be poor. I have already told Jamie that I feel that money is not wasted on books though, and that we will have large bookshelves, both to house our collection already and make room for books to come.

I am excited to see what our next book club read will be....I will let you know!

Art this Saturday

There is an opening at one of my favorite galleries on Saturday night. One of the artists is Naomi Safran-Hon www.naomisafranhon.com. And I really like her work. She just graduated from Yale....and is already making it.

I love getting lost in the world of artists websites. It is one of my favorite internet pastimes.

Sick

I feel so uninspired to write after this weekend, because I spent most of it in bed. Or reading. Or watching a movie. Or watching the big, fat flakes fall outside the window. Occasionally, when I am not sick, I wish that I was so that I could read, view, daydream. Of course when I really am, it is awful and I wish I was outside, feeling strong and healthy. But this weekend had some high points.

Before I was sick, on Friday night, I went to this amazing show by this burlesque group Yard Dogs Road Show www.yarddogsroadshow.com. Astounding visuals, great vocals, and a good all around time.

Reading my book, Ape House by Sara Gruen, in my bed, under my down comforter. The same author that wrote Like Water for Elephants. That one didn't blow me out of the water, and this one isn't either. But they are both entertaining reads.

Kombucha, something that tastes good to me when I have a cold.

Talking and laughing with my parents.

Feeling the fresh air in my lungs during a walk with Olive.

Watching Sylvia and feeling so sad for the talented Sylvia Plath; she couldn't realize how amazing she was and put so much dependence on a man.

My new book club, a group of five amazing women.

My Patriots winning against one of my least favorite football teams, the Steelers.

My clean sheets on my bed that is beckoning....

Weekend in the Big City of SLC

I missed this blog this weekend. There were many times when I thought to myself, " I need to write this down for the blog, since I won't get to post today". 

I traveled down  to Salt Lake City with friends to meet up with Jamie, who was down there for a conference/training. The big city. It is definitely a city, but really lacks a feeling of hipness for sure, although the surrounding mountains are gorgeous. If you can see through the smog that is, usually present in the valley. No, I make it sound awful. In fact Salt Lake City proper is an interesting mix of people, a population that sticks it to the small towns that surround the city and that exude Mormanism.

Jamie and I stayed at the Hotel Monaco because his work was paying. The Kimpton hotel chains www.kimptonhotels.com are a whole lot of fun, and you can get good rates occasionally. Everything is really funky, colorful decor; they love dogs and encourage you to bring your furry friend (if you don't, you can get a goldfish for your room); they serve wine and cheese every afternoon; and the whole place smells like roses. It was a good time.

Friday: A morning of sleeping until 10am, followed by a leisurely cup of coffee and a stroll to a cafe for brunch. People still have flowers in their gardens and the air is so warm a t-shirt is all you need. I wanted Jamie to get his Tarot cards read at this book store we stopped at, but he didn't. Home material hunting. The daunting store of Ikea, which really is just a bunch of crap that sometimes looks good, and the arrows that you must follow if you want to get out alive. The search for bathtub tile, but not before whipping a louie and returning to the newly opened In and Out Burger....chocolate shake for me, chocolate shake and burger for Jamie. Feels like we are in California with the warm temps and the small fast food chain.

Saturday: A day alone. I walk down to the Gateway Mall in shoes that will eventually give me blisters on both of my little toes. I always get so excited to go shopping. I don't know if it is because I live in a town of little choice, but very quickly the exercise becomes overwhelming and every article of clothing feels like it will fall apart after one wash. Why is everything so cheaply made these days? It makes me angry, because some of it still costs a lot of money. I feel gross most of the day with my consumption, moving with the masses like a herd of sheep, overwhelmed that this is some peoples reality every weekend. I much prefer sticking to the thrift stores, where you can find the designer labels and only pay three dollars. Although, I was really hoping for a pair of boots....Dinner with good friends makes up for it all.

Sunday: A climbing day. A love of mine, as well as a struggle. We traveled up Big Cottonwood Canyon, the city dropping away and making room for red maples and tall pines and rock faces. So beautiful and so peaceful. My mind was not at peace with the climbing process though and I quickly realized a hike by myself was more my speed. It has been so interesting to me to notice my great need recently to be alone. I think that is why I missed Olive so much this weekend, because I was enjoying being alone with only dog-company. Slightly frustrated with my lack of interest in climbing, I made out up along this ridge line, switch backing up and up until the trail crested and I had a view of the entirety of the canyon, snow topped peaks behind. That made up for any frustration.

Whew. Now I am home and it feels good. Just got home from being a ballerina and am excited to climb into my own bed. 

Grey day

Today was the sort of day that I woke up tired. And stayed tired. A damp fog hung in the valley all day, even though the web camera at the top of the Pass showed blue sky and sunshine, and the air felt chilly. I am sitting here, cold, and trying to not focus on what made the day blah, but rather what made it lovely....

Olives cuddle in bed, falling asleep and snoring.

Working out at Ski Fitness and sweating, sweating, sweating.

My warm shower and the smell of clean.

Taking breaks from my computer and talking to co-workers.

A public art meeting that made me excited and motivated to grow our arts community.

The camaraderie at agility class.

The pleasure of cooking good food.

My recent, slightly funny, obsession with listening to cheesy Sue Grafton books on CD (think A is for Alibi).

Looking forward to bed, clean sheets, my comforter and my book club book Room (although it is definitely difficult subject material).

Ballerina & Dog Love

Tonight I was a ballerina for the first time. And I felt stiff and ungraceful, but happy with myself for trying something new. My friend Kate, who I work with, is teaching the Beginning Ballet workshop for five weeks, so I decided to give it a go and work towards one of my dreams, a dream that really only started while working at DW -- to be a dancer. It is hard! Not only is grace and limberness needed, you need to be strong and flexible and sharp. I could feel muscles working that I haven't used, and my feet cramped every time I pointed, indicting that perhaps I don't give my feet enough loving. I am so used to muscling my way through activities, preferring the fast to the more contemplative. It is only recently that I am realizing that my body is really calling out for yoga, pilates, and now, ballet. 

Jamie is in Salt Lake City for the week, so my dinner companion was my latest book that I was close to finishing, A Dog for All Seasons. I know, I know, I write (and talk) incessantly about dogs and my dog in particular. But the reason why is that I can't quite believe that my life was dogless for so long, and I am making up for it now by falling head over heels for Olive. And reading a great deal of dog literature. I was eating broccoli and bawling. Sobbing in fact, because of course I had gotten to the end of the book, which also meant the end of Duncan's doggie life. And it didn't help that Duncan was a border collie, and that the author had loved him like a friend, child, teacher, and student. 

"And dogs show us how to live big. They do everything with gusto, whether it's drinking from the toilet to heading down the driveway for a walk they've taken a thousand times before. Every day is new, every activity is the best. In their company, we're lifted out of our human concerns and remember what it's like to be excited. But here's what strikes me as most important. And it's not about what they give us, but about something we give ourselves. We get to love a dog full out....we get to give our full heart." Patti Sherlock

Making Art

How come it takes most of Thursday to make it downstairs and do art?

And then it is so enlightening and enjoyable!

Even the things that start out ugly end up having a certain beauty. It frustrates me how I avoid making art, and yet the act of doing it leaves me in awe every time that the creative process can be so mesmerizing and peaceful and revealing. I can't help thinking that my relationship to art-making mirrors my relationship to most things. Being hesitant to dive in because of the potential beauty that exists at the bottom? Or the potential mess I suppose.

Regardless, this day is looking up.

And I will take a photo and post it later of what I created today.

Alone at a Concert

It is winter here. The Pass has closed the last two afternoons due to car wrecks and flying snow. How did autumn disappear so quickly? Jamie hiked Mt. Glory yesterday and the snow was up to his thighs. Olive couldn't keep up with him because there was nothing to stand on, only partially frozen, unsteady ground. And then this afternoon he got called out on a Search and Rescue mission to find a stranded girl on Mt. Glory. Who is up there already? Hopefully she didn't have skis with her.

I was going to surprise him this evening with an Erica Wheeler concert up at Dornans. I ended up going by myself because I couldn't find anyone to go last minute, who wanted to venture out on a cold, icy night to travel the twenty minutes up to Moose. Erica was wonderful though, so soulful and folky and meaningful in her songwriting. She lives in New England and has a feeling that reminds me of college for some reason, maybe hinting at Indigo Girls and Ani DiFranco. She sings a lot about place and connection to it, and about the intricacies of nature.

The thing about sitting and listening to music by yourself is that you only have you to convey your thoughts to. I was reminded of Julia Camerons prompting in The Artist Way to take art dates with yourself. There is great merit in this act for sure. I thought about my place here in this valley, how I have carved a nitch for myself, and also about my other home that feels so far away most of the time: Maine. And about how they are both such powerful spots for me, and how lucky I am to have found them, one as a child, and one as an adult, or at least a grown up child. I missed Jamie.  I wished that he had been sitting next to me. But I am glad that I went, if alone, and I need to make it more of a habit in the future to ride solo.

Snowy Day

Today was the first day with snow in the valley. Four inches to be exact, and it didn't melt during the day. Instead the clouds above kept adding to the blanket of white, fat, wet flakes that drifted down all day. It is always a hard transition to go from bare ground to wet. I usually take Olive out for a walk on the first day with snow because she reminds me to appreciate what is. She finds the wet stuff a blast, although I did see her daintily holding her paws up on the driveway, as if the first touch of cold takes some adjustment on her end as well.
Tonight was the Old Bill's party at the Museum, the time when non-profits, donors, and boards come together to hear how much money was raised that year and to recognize all the make it possible. It is an event that gets my heart every time because this community is so incredibly rich in many ways, both literally, thankfully, and metaphorically. It makes you feel proud to be part of it, and it makes me happy to look around and recognize so many faces.

I am utterly exhausted. I managed to get myself up to work out this morning, but now, 8:30pm, I am ready for bed. Nigh, nigh.

Love

Jamie and I drove to Bozeman on Saturday to celebrate our marriage with friends of his parents and his grandparents, who were driving through on their way to Arizona. We also got to celebrate the second birthday of our niece, Emilia. The drive was lovely all the fall colors still very much alive. I love the colors here in the West. They really make you have to look to see the subtle variations and the muted tones; they don't pop all of the time in their flashiness.

The downtown of Bozeman is so lovely. It is a locals downtown, which I think Jackson really lacks. People were out and about. I bought a new pair of trail runners, almost bought a road bike, and found birthday presents for Beth and Emilia at the awesome book store that I could have stayed in for days.

The party was wonderful. Lots of smiling and hugs. I loved meeting people from all ages of Jamies life, those who have known him since he was three, those who remember him entertaining his mom's guests with the saxophone and magic tricks. It felt really rich and full. And I shed tears, when his grandfather got up to speak and when we all watched our vows on video. Jamie did too. It was nice to relive that magical day in July, and to watch this amazing person who I get to spend the rest of my life with interact with people from his childhood and life.

We went out with Jamie's high school friends after, many of whom have become good pals of mine too. We played Buck Hunter (don't ask, or do, but I will be embarrassed to admit my level of involvement), danced to a hair band, drank way to many odd things, and ate really good pizza at two a.m. with all of the college kids. A good night.

Moon-Clothes-Cereal-Reading

The moon wouldn't let me sleep last night. It poured milky, silver light through our new south facing window and onto the bed. I could have read my book without the light on. When my alarm went off at 6:15am to get up for my Ski Performance (there is no trace of snow, thank god) the sky was still dark and Orion shone brightly through the window, such radiant stars that I wanted to keep lying there and just look out at what was still night.

I want to dress more bravely, have more fun with my clothing. I can't really afford it, but I just want to go on a big splurge and reinvent my wardrobe and my look. How do we settle into such distinct looks? I sometimes wonder how I have ended up with so many pairs of jeans and fleece hoodies....

I ate cereal for lunch. Ever since Claire and I went backpacking in the Winds, I have been totally obsessed with having whole quick oats raw with coconut, flax seeds, almonds, dried fruit, sunflower seeds and occasionally a banana, topped with rice dream...usually for breakfast, but because I didn't today, I had it for lunch! I seem to eat really quirkily when Jamie isn't around....not necessarily badly, just different.

Going to bed to try to finish Orange is the New Black by Piper Kerman. She is a Smithie that was sent to prison for year for being involved in a drug ring. Quite engaging. My book pile is growing larger.....some self help books from the book sale, Room by Emma Donahue (my book club book), The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and some book about a border collie, go figure. I wish I was a speed reader, with a photographic memory.

Always Thinking...or How my mind can decide on a different, new occupation every week

Ever since the leadership workshop, when I identified myself as a relationship master and one who is a good listener, I have had art therapy/counseling on the mind. I hesitate to even share with the world that this is my latest occupation consideration, seeing that I seem to come up with a new one every week or so, but this feels like a safe space :)

It is such a blessing and a curse to have so many interests that can excite, inspire, and make you dream hard. In the past month I have gone from thinking about going back to school to be a graphic designer, an artist (do you need school for this?), an arts administrator, and now, art therapy, a topic that I thought about back when I was a senior in high school. I can get revved up about all of these things for different reasons, while also finding reasons why they aren't quite right or desirable enough to spend the time on money on. I see fear rising its ugly head for sure, but also the realization that I am a renaissance women of sorts. I find joy sitting in front of a computer creating graphic posters. I am blissed out when I am in the throes of a wonderful art project. I have some great ideas about how to lead an arts organization. And the idea of helping people and making the world a better, more art-loving place through counseling and art-making sounds amazing.

I get scared about my age sometimes. I don't want to bring a child into this world and not have done something with my own life that I feel really passionate about. I can look back over the last ten years and be extremely happy with the gifts that have been presented to me and the experiences I have had. But I can also see where I may have dragged my feet, not wanting to make decisions. 

I need to keep considering my options, thinking like a good relationship master does. But the time to act needs to come soon as well, because the weeks turn into months turn into years too quickly. And I have so much to do.

Saturday

--Early morning driving to the airport in the dark to drop Jamie off. Whiskers on my   
  sleepy cheek.
--Cuddled in bed with my guilty pleasure, the newest issue of Elle. Doggie snores beneath me.
--A stack of books in my hand at the library book sale, each book like a treasure unearthed.
--GT's Kombucha back at the grocery store. The rumor was it was unavailable for a while because Lindsey Lohan had some in her car when she got pulled over for her latest violation (there is a trace amount of alcohol in it).
--Another guilty pleasure...thrift store shopping. Nothing good and everything seemed to fit strangely.
--Walking with Olive through the crunchy leaves, the earth smelling like the slow decay of fall, the clouds whipping overhead, a mixture of puffy white and threatening grey.
--The thought of a nap.
--Mexican food, spicy and tasty, at my trainers client appreciation party.
--At the next party, dancing on a full belly of food to Zumba and having a whole lot of fun with my co-workers.
--Thinking about my mother and her birthday. How I wish I could be at dinner with my family tomorrow night.
--My eyelids heavy and ready for sleep and a Sunday that has no concrete plans...just what I love.

Leadership

Today I participated in a leadership workshop, led by two women who formerly worked for NOLS (National Outdoor Leadership School), and it was excellent. Not surprisingly the whole class was women (apparently men don't feel like they have to work on leadership :) ), which made it really nice and made me think of Smith.

Our first exercise was to put ourselves into a quadrant depending on whether we tended to show our emotions or not, and whether we were vocal and outspoken or more of a listener and thinker. The four quadrants were: the drivers (nonemotional and vocal), the analyst architect (nonemotional and thinkers), the relationship masters (emotional and thinkers), and the spontaneous motivator (emotional and vocal). I was the only relationship master in the group. It was then interesting to explore how those in different quadrants work with one another most effectively, and to realize that there is just not one way to be a leader. It was sort of like a four hour therapy session of sorts, which I loved.

I got a great deal out of this experience. If anything, just being validated that my innate nature is perfectly okay, and in fact quite a valuable resource to an organization. It isn't that I didn't already realize this, but I find these sorts of exercises completely reaffirming and inspiring.

I also realized that I have to trust myself more. I can continue to be a good listener, but can also open up my mouth a little more often.

Dealing with Conflict and Will the House Take Away My Husband?

I know that one of the hardest things for me is dealing with conflict. I don't like disappointing people and I would rather have pleasant conversations then ones filled with tension and sideways remarks. The rebuilding of the Dancers' Workshop website has been a thorn in my side and full of conflict, with me, yeah, the referee, the middleman. Our designer (who is my friend and quite a creative lady) and our developer (who is a nice person, but is a bit systematic) loathe each other, a relationship that has developed over the course of this project. They both think that they are right, not really trying to see the others point of view very readily. Today I got to sit in (hopefully) our last meeting together and at times I wanted to scream. And maybe I should have. This has been a good lesson in being more vocal, forthright, and diving right into the conflict. It is a hard process. It has also been a good lesson in remembering that there are two sides (or more) to everything. Which leads me to....

I felt annoyed tonight that I came home and the house was being demolished and Jamie hadn't made it to agility graduation to watch Olive be a champion. I felt awful being annoyed, seeing that this is our house that is being improved upon, but I couldn't help it. And I had to go on a walk to let my bad mood dissipate, and to realize how selfish I was being. That here was Jamie working on the house all day, and I could only notice what he didn't do that afternoon. I won't let the house take away my husband, but maybe I just need to get a little swept up in it too. For a while anyway.

Efficiency & Dog Love

Despite waking up an hour late this morning, for some reason my mind telling me that it was the weekend and that I could snuggle for extra minutes with my pooch, I had a day that felt efficient. And that is such a good feeling. I tend to play such games with myself, procrastinating to the point where I am forced to do everything in a short amount of time, but always managing to get it all done. Would I feel as efficient if I was more of a planner, and my tasks were spread out over days, weeks, months? Would I get satisfaction from feeling like I was doing my job well? Hard to know because I have never been a planner. And probably never will be, for better or worse.

When I am in my house I love only having one dog. When I am outside, on the trails, I adore having a pack with me, watching their interactions with one another and their curiosity with the outdoor world. I can be in hysterics one moment and full of awe at the presentness of these animals the next. It makes me wish that we had a bigger yard and more room. And that Olive wasn't such a princess, but of course there is only myself to blame for that one.

Walking up Josie's Ridge With your Boss..

...who is more like your friend. She can be such a difficult person. I sometimes wonder though if it is because I envy her bluntness, her ability to forge forward and get what she wants. It is a hard balance, keeping your own degree of confidence up around someone like Babs while also learning from her example and pushing forward with your own ideas and pursuits. I go round and round in this job, have for years, between feeling supported and inspired and feeling stifled and routinized.

She called me today at 3:30pm and asked if I wanted to go for a walk. And I was sitting in front of my computer, my eyes dragging and my emails stagnant, so of course I said yes. And as we walked up Josie's Ridge in the setting sunlight, doggies running around our legs, I thought how lucky I was to have a "boss" who takes me away from the doldrums of the office and gets me outside into the fresh air.

I have to realize how much I have, and how much ability I do have to shape this job if I really want to....

5 Gratefuls for Sunday

1. The ability and time to stay in bed an extra hour and read my book, Little Bee...pure indulgence.
2.The time and energy that Jamie is putting into our house.
3. Running with Olive, how our habits are routine to one another (she knows which trails I take, I know that she will tell me if there is a biker coming).
4. A wholesome dinner of local goodies.
5. Community radio that has been keeping me company all night.

Little Voice

I am downstairs painting today. Just diving in and seeing what happens. Trying to remember that I don't have to have a final product. Trying to ignore the little voice that pops up from time to time, asking me what I am doing, why I am spending my time on something that might never make it out of the room, questioning my work methods. It is a hard practice to just keep going and not listen to the questions.

I realize that I live so much of my life wanting something I don't have, waiting to start things when the "time is right", planning for a future that is totally constructed in my head. I am such a thinker and dreamer, not as practiced in the art of doing. I know that I do this with my creativity. I dream up projects in my head, and that is where they stay, as elusive goals that are not quite fully mine because I don't grab them and do. I just finished reading Women, Food, and God and The Artist in the Office, both quite different books, both full of little nuggets. But one idea they both touched on was to start where you are, to be with yourself as you are and not procrastinate, whether through eating, as in the former book, or through other methods of procrastination, as in the later read.

It is amazing, when the little voice is mute, how delightful the painting process is. The act of mark-making and seeing a composition come together before your eyes, through your hands work. How transformative just an hour can be to the psyche, how you feel a shift in connection to your art and yourself as an artist.

This is the start.

Dreams of Swinging & Kingfishers on Telephone Wires

I started writing in a small notebook today that I am going to carry around with me and record situations, items, people, events, thoughts, ideas to later use in art pieces--visual, written, who knows, maybe dance!
It is what I could give to my creativity today. I knew that today was going to be consumed with Cultural Council work, as it needed to be, and that it was not going to be the day that Alissa got to play with some artistic ideas. That will have to be Thursday, which is perfectly okay, because I feel better about my job because of the work I have put in. And I started this notebook, which was a to-do on my art list anyway. Here is what I wrote in the notebook today:
--my dream of being captured on a swing, going really high
--a kingfisher, his distinct long beak jutting out, sitting on a telephone wire above the Snake River. A dirty yellow bush in the foreground.
--fog mixing with the dulled autumn colors, beautiful and subtle
--photos of my dad's boat that looked like paintings or sculpture

Here are some of my to-do's on my art list, recorded in another journal:
--while the weather is still nice, get outside and paint/draw
--order art supplies
--return to life drawing (tomorrow night!)
--organize art space
--get good lighting
--research spaces to show
--library for art history books
--x-mas bazaar?
--sewing lessons?
--organic shapes, as wall pieces, as hanging pieces, as floor pieces
--painted landscapes, collaged, colorful
--sign up for the ArtSpot and make something out of plastic bags
--memory paintings

Starting

What is on my mind tonight...
I am thinking about my day tomorrow, how to shape it, push myself, get done what needs to get done.
I am thinking about my mom and Beth having fun, celebrating each other and themselves for being amazing women.
I am thinking about the questions that Babs asked us today in regards to our jobs--what inspires you, what do you love, what frustrates you, do you feel compensated for your work--questions that I recognize are unique coming from a boss.
I am thinking about my bed, about how excited I am to sleep tonight because my body is sore from a long day yesterday.
I am thinking about how I want to carry a small journal around and record the beauty that I see daily, but which seems to escape me once the days end and I sit down to write.
I am thinking about how excited I am to find a balance between work that pays and work that makes my heart sing, and how eventually the two could mesh.

CD

I feel so grateful to have someone in my life that I can be completely open with, whose words mesh with my own, whose ideas inspire and motivate me, whose brilliance in living makes me notice things I might not have, and whose love is steadfast. Despite living many miles apart, I always feel her bond to me. And I hope to for many, many years to come. I suppose this is what sisterhood feels like.

To a great week...

5 Gratefuls

1. That my body got a good workout, and I am starting to feel strong again.

2. Walking with Robin and doggies in the crisp air, the sun on our faces.

3. The sun...please stay!

4. That it is Friday!

5. Laughter. How it makes everything lighter....

Jewels

I wrote in my journal today that I want my days to be reflected back to me as if they were jewels, sparkly, unique gems that stand out. I don't want my days to blend together in monotony and routine, with me not noticing my environments, what gifts I have inside me and at my fingertips.

So I am going to try to be more observant, to record both in journal, notebook, and mind what happens over the course of a day. The additional day away from work, away from the computer and the office and the desk, will hopefully help me in this awareness and creativity. 

September 1. There is snow in the mountains already. We can see our breath when we go outside. The flowers have all curled inwards, all adopting a slightly gray color. They match the sky, whose grayness is like a heavy blanket. Not an uplifting color, but definitely a color that makes you want to put on your sweatpants and cuddle down to a movie. Maybe summer will come back, just a little.

Our Day....Looking Back

**I started writing this when I first got back to Jackson. Things have gotten in the way of writing, but I am working to change that....

I have been meaning to write all week, to get back to this place that was part of my life "pre-wedding". Now the wedding has passed and I am feeling a little blue, sad that all of the activity, anticipation, preparation, and excitement has passed, leaving behind lovely memories of one of the best days of my life.

Saturday, July 24. Butterflies in my stomach when I wake up, mixed with the stress that always seems to reside in my stomach when I have a lot to do in a short amount of time. Rain, sometimes in cold sheets. Flowers from Sue, dutifully picked up by my brother, ready to be arranged by my mothers' and Jamies grandmothers' deft hands. A white tent that takes up the whole lawn, aglow in the dark morning with Christmas lights. Direction of Claire, Kate, and Bryn, who take my needs and gracefully run with them. The tables start to come together, with votives, centerpieces, table numbers.  A vision is starting to become a reality. Periodically wondering what Jamie is doing, whether he is nervous, excited. Sweet Marit comes with bobbi pins and hairspray in tow and proceeds to not only soothe my mother, help dab a last minute stain out of my wedding dress (!), but make my hair look absolutely gorgeous. I begin to feel the realness of it all. Bridesmaids fill the upstairs of my parents house. Anne arrives to snap the activity, taking photos of my minimal makeup application. I feel like a celebrity, but also prefer when just my mom and I are sharing the bathroom mirror to apply mascara. Jamie is spotted out the window. He is wearing the straw hat I gave him and looking adorable, as usual. Giggle, mimosas, tears....I love all of the ladies who are getting ready with me so much. Adornment and then I get in the dress. Ahh, the dress that I love so much. So much. Fun, but slightly dangerous pink shoes on, I am ready to go. The rain has stopped and the air is a soft grey, cool enough so I don't get hot in my heavy dress and perfect for photography. The woods look magical as I walk down the path with my parents, who put so much into its existence and created a truly perfect spot for a wedding. I hide up the path with my parents, watching the bridal party move down the path, Olive walking beside Claire and Luke, not wanting Jamie to spot me prematurely. At Last begins and the moment is now, my parents and I walking down the wood chips, crossing the bridge and working our way up the incline to the arbor and my groom. Kisses to my parents and then I am there with Jamie, aware of the people all around us. Not feeling nervous that all eyes are on us, because these are eyes that love us. Fays kind words, Bryn reading an excerpt from The Gift from the Sea, everyone's cheers of support....then our words. My voice trembles a bit, but I take the words slow. Jamies turn...more misting. Olive is summoned and she works her way dutifully through the crowd, finding her parents, bringing us the rings like the best little dog. Ring vows and then our kiss and it is over, we are moving down the aisle as husband and wife. It went so quickly. It really was one of the most amazing episodes in my life. The people, the setting, the weather, the happenings. All formed together to make the experience one I will never forget.

More to come....

Birds

It was so warm today. By nine o'clock I was in a tank top and my workout pants. I took Olive down to the dike for a run/walk (I had already worked out with Augie) so that she could stretch her dog legs.

Immediately we were met with bird chirps and the honk of geese. The swallows were diving in the air, a duck was bobbing in the river, and a flicker was perched on the fence post. Hawks were soaring above and the robin, whose tune is so lovely, was singing in the high trees.

My mind immediately went to the list of birds I heard named on Democracy Now the other day, birds that  my mom has pointed out to me in Florida for the past two years, birds who have supplied so much pleasure in their beauty, mannerisms, and overall presence. Now they are all threatened due to the ineptitude, disfunction, and greed of big business, namely BP, although our government has been slow in a response as well.

It makes me so happy that the birds are singing where I live, that I am fortunate enough to have birds that want to sing and be bird-like, and my heart goes out to all of the species that are being effected by this disaster.

Sex and the City: old memories, new memories

The movie theater was all women tonight; women of all shapes and sizes and ages, some boisterous and cat-calling, some dressed to the tee and chic. The energy was invigorating. And we were all gathered to watch Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte take the screen yet again in the rather embarrassingly entertaining sequel Sex and the City 2. Not quality film-making by any means, but rather a decadent display of fashion, frivolity, and relationships, the movie reminded me of how much I loved getting lost in the TV series.

Memory: I remember my first year in Jackson, sitting on the basement couch in our Cache Creek Dr. house, eating popcorn with C. and watching episode after episode of Sex and the City. Characters with worlds so different from our own, yet the messages in the series often spoke to our own lives. And the fashion was always so much fun to witness and drool over. Carrie's bravery when it comes to dressing remains an inspiration to me to this day.

Don't go to this movie for content, great plot, or witty writing, but rather for the nostalgia it invokes and the escapism that it provides.

Memory: I now have a great memory of leaving the Pearl St. theater with A and S, dressed in my Marc Jacobs shoes that I got at Browser for a dollar (Carrie would approve of the brand, maybe not the method secured) that match my jacket, big earrings, tight jeans, feeling happy to be a woman yet again. The air is warm, all the ladies exiting the theater are laughing, and I feel like I have gone on a journey.

Sunshine

Sunshine makes all of the difference. Yesterday peoples faces looked filled with tiredness and conversations inevitably turned to the weather, and how dismal it has been. Spring in the mountains but it feels like winter. Today though, the sun was shining and despite the still cold breezes everyone seemed a little lighter.

I started my day out on the dike, one of my favorite runs, with my favorite dog. Even the birds were ecstatic, all singing and chirping, swallows diving in ribbon-like patterns catching rejuvenated bugs. The sun made me feel light and quick on the trail.

I had one of those days were I just wanted to smile and talk to everyone. I am usually a friendly person, but today there was a renewed feeling of being lucky to live in a place where people look you in the eye, say hello, and genuinely acknowledge you.

J and I rode our bikes to see some friends off on their next adventure. Although still wearing the light down coat, it felt great to be on my bike, pedaling myself to my destination. On the way home the sky was tinged with pink and a white, feathery almost full moon was rising above Cache Creek.

A good day. Weather please stay.

The Happenings That Made Today Special

Olive and I walked to Putt Putt this morning, the grey clouds low but forming amazing patterns in the sky, and against the grey caught a brilliancy of orange. A tanager making his way north, stopping for a rest in a tree in an East Jackson yard. His coloring was amazing, one of those birds that you can't quite believe really exists. An omen for a joyful day.

Slightly frantic in my usual lateness to work, I pulled out of Stormy Circle and was met with an old lady, in her eighties I am guessing, with her thumb out! I of course pulled over and got the pleasure of meeting "Moosie" who had been to the hospital to get her eyes checked and needed a ride to the post office. So thankful, so sharp, so smiling and beautiful, she made my morning ride to work one of the best I have ever had. It made me realize how infrequently I am around the elderly, and how many of them have so much to teach and tell.

Watching Olive follow me dutifully around the agility course, whether I am leading her correctly or not, is always an amazing experience because it feels like we are almost one being. And her excitement when she gets it right and gets to have a treat! And my excitement when I get it right and am rewarded with her beaming grin! It doesn't seem crazy at all to me in those moments that I am willing to drive 3000 miles across this country in order for my dog to be in Maine safely and soundly this summer. She really is a friend that I receive so much from. How could I not have her there...

Sitting with a table full of ladies at Picas. Hearing stories, hardships, laughter. Recognizing how we are all so unique, but also so human at the same time. The connections of females are powerful; makes me so glad and fortunate to be a woman.

Sleep.

10 Beautiful Aspects of a Tuesday

1. Buying J breakfast and lunch for the plane at Whole Grocer.
2. Realizing that I feel quite calm about the wedding overall.
3. This happened yesterday, but the excitement carried over to today....having my parents tell me that J and I can stay at my grandfathers cabin after we get married, land that I grew up on.
4. Talking to R openly, honestly, and deeply while at work.
5. Hearing my brothers voice, laugh, and that he will drive many miles across the country with me if that is what I want.
6. The smell of sage after the rain.
7. A fresh salad for dinner.
8. Talking to my beautiful friend C, who is truly one of my most favorite people on the planet.
9. My comfortable bed and sleep. 

29 Gifts

Last night I finished the book 29 Gifts: How a Month of Giving Can Change Your Life by Cami Walker. She is a woman living with MS, whose life was in decline until she was introduced to the 29 days of giving. Now, although still living with the degenerative disease, she has created an international phenomena of giving through her website www.29gifts.org.

The book chronicles her journey through the 29 days, how her heart opens to others, her gratitude for life expands, and how giving openly brings healing and amazing opportunities into her life.

Cami Walkers Story:

The first day of my personal 29-Day Giving Challenge was preceded by a sleepless night. I was awake all night feeling angry and sorry for myself during a difficult flare up of my Multiple Sclerosis. When insomnia hits, I often go through old journals and read them. I found a note that I'd made during a phone session with one of my spiritual teachers, Mbali Creazzo, two months before. The note said, "Give something away each day for 29 days." It was 3 a.m. and I decided in that moment to take the suggestion.

And so my 29-Day Giving Challenge began that morning as I gave my first gift -- a simple supportive phone call to another friend living with MS. I woke up the next day and the next day after that feeling excited about what I might give away. And I began to notice that the more I gave away, the more abundance I was experiencing for myself.

I wanted to see what would happen in my life if I really committed and focused my energy on giving for 29 days. What space would it create in my life for new and unexpected things to occur? What shifts would I see in my thinking and behavior as a result? What impact would my gifts have on others? These were just a few of the questions I was curious about in the beginning, but there’s no way I could have anticipated what unfolded for me.

By Day 29, I was astounded by the magical and miraculous shifts in my energy for life:

• I was feeling happier, healthier, and more in awe with life.
• I found myself smiling and laughing more.
• My body got stronger and I was able to stop walking with my cane by Day 14.
• My business exploded with new, unexpected opportunities and I was able to go back to work part-time again after months of being too sick to work.
• I began connecting with a community of new friends in Los Angeles after feeling isolated in my new home for several months. With help from the website, I also reconnected with my community of friends from San Franciscio and the Midwest, where I had lived previously.
• My creativity opened up and I began writing stories regularly.
• I began experiencing a deeper intimacy in my relationship with my husband, family and friends.

The list of changes goes on and on. This is only the beginning.
When I started out, nothing was planned. I simply began the day and when I felt moved to give something, I did. Part of me initially wanted to plot out the 29 days and line up the things I was giving in my hallway so I had the illusion of knowing what to expect. But collapsing into that old, manipulative and controlling way of being would defeat the purpose of the experiment.


I documented what I gave away and any observations I made each day. I began to post the stories online. Who knows, I thought, maybe others will decide to take the 29-Day Giving Challenge and experience a similar positive impact on their lives. So I decided to invite some friends to join me and within a couple weeks of sending the first invitation over 120 people signed up and committed to the Challenge.


My goal with the 29-Day Giving Challenge is to create a worldwide revival of the giving spirit in the world. I want to inspire more generosity on the planet and help change lives, one gift at a time.

Mothers

I felt like a mother this morning when Olive jumped up on the bed and nestled down for her daily snuggle fest. Of course I get this every morning, but it made me feel good to think of myself as Olive's mom, as strange as that may sound.

My own dear mother is such a good one. She is one of my best friends and I wish that I lived closer to her; our distance is sometimes really hard. I would love for her and my father to come out in their little camper and stay here a long, long time. Our mom's day talk revolved around the wedding (of course), but even in that, I am so thankful to have a mother who just wants the best for Jamie and I, not the chance to recreate her own wedding day. She and my dad are putting so much into this day, perhaps more than I. Except I will have to be the one on display for the whole day (or week), which is a position that I will need to practice.

Today I thought about how many mothers I know that are my age, how magically and miraculously they have reached motherhood. Which means that I am that age as well. Time goes so quickly. Songs from high school come on the radio and, in some ways, I feel like teenagerdom was yesterday. Amazing that so many of my friends are mothers, some have been for a while, while I struggle to be a good dog mama everyday.

Being a mother, any parent really, is so awe inspiring. I respect that women take that journey, sacrificing so much. Although, many have told me, including my own, that it was the best decision they ever made.

Olive is my baby now. Someday she will have to share me with a little person.

Remembering What it is All About...

Today I rode the pre-wedding roller coaster, complete with large hills and low valleys. Crying one moment and laughing the next. When I answered C's phone call crying, she thought something had happened to Olive. It made me realize how trivial my tears really were....losing my favorite pooch in the whole world would be hundreds of times worse than not having bridesmaid dresses available. Put it in perspective.

I also realized as the day went on how easy it is too lose track of what this wedding is really about. It is incredibly easy to get wrapped up in details that no one, including myself, will probably remember. But those details are also what make it unique, us, special. It is a complicated balance between being okay with what is and striving to have a beautiful event. There is so much pressure on the day, when really the importance is in the journey afterwards; meshing your life with someone else is an adventure, even if you have lived with that person for almost seven years already.

It is about families and friends coming together. J said to me in the car the other day, "it will be nice to have a small wedding, to really be able to spend time with the people who are there...". And I thought that he was really bummed that more people weren't coming. That is what it is about, and I am trying to keep that forefront in my mind, even when bumps come along.

Tonight, a couple of Jackson friends told me that they were coming to Maine. I thought they weren't going to make it because of the distance and price, but they are going to make it happen. It filled me with love. Having people from all facets of my life coming together with those that make up J's life will be such a magical occurrence. I am looking forward to that more than anything....

Dog Happiness

No one would ever think that going for a walk, with the cold wind whipping your face and fat snowflakes flying around you, would be much fun. But that is the walk I took this morning with Olive and Drifter and it was fabulously entertaining. I laughed a lot, which often happens with my border collie/aussie. But when you have two of these personality-filled dogs, hilarity ensues.

Olive goes slightly crazy in weather with wind and wet. She races around, circling and forming figure eights, often with stick in mouth. Drifter joined in at times, although less enthusiastically. We came upon a snow patch, both dogs jumping into it to roll, romp and play with one another.

We saw one other person from afar, that was all. And at the end I felt light despite the cold and both dogs were ready for water and naps.

A good start for the day.

Otter

Something made me stop on the dike and look out at the flowing river, moving quicker now with a little snow melt, and notice the shiny small head gliding through the water. Against the current, so I knew it wasn't a floating log. Suddenly an otter behind and powerful webbed feet flipped up and the graceful animal dived for fish, reappearing and continuing his swim. He made circles in the river, diving and reemerging, his feet smacking the water. I was close enough to hear the impact.

It was amazing.

It made me feel lucky to witness such beauty, while also feel such sadness for all of the animals and species suffering down south in the Gulf. Man's greed once again causing harm to other living things. It kills me, just like it did when I saw the images on TV of the Valdez spill in Alaska as a younger person, that such events happen and cause so much pain, harm, and death.

Such an event makes me feel sheltered and also helpless. My hope goes out to that area....

Sharing Place

An aspect of having dance companies in town that I love is how most of them have never experienced an environment like Jackson, from Dancers' Workshop's personal hospitality to the friendly smiles of people on the street to the towering snow-capped mountains that backdrop this town. The sharing of your place to new eyes is always a delight, and although I still constantly notice the beauty, there is a freshness in sharing it with newcomers.

Cedar Lake Contemporary Ballet had a short visit. But some of them will be back. And we made fast friends with the tech people, who we will surely see when we escape the country for some city time. The weekend was magical, in large part due to the electric audience at Saturday evening's performance, who filled the sold-out show with enthusiasm and a developed love of dance in Jackson. 

The work of Cedar Lake is quite contemporary and it was apparent to all witnessing, whether in the first row or the last, the strength and amazing technique of all of the dancers. 

Having companies visit is one of the true perks of working at DW. Not only because we get to meet the dancers, take them out dancing and to restaurants and on scenic tours, but because it reminds me of the intensity, beauty, diversity, and similarities of art.

What a weekend....

Beautiful Aspects of an Otherwise Tiring Day

1. How the birds didn't seem to mind that snow was falling. They chirped as loud as could be this morning on our walk, flying in flocks in front of the car, creating a pattern of bird in air in movement.
2. The smell of homemade toasted granola in the kitchen (and in my hair until I took a shower).
3. Laughing. Remembering to laugh. Liking that laughter is so much a part of who I am.
4. Robin. Not a bird, but a good person and friend.
5. Seeing this town that I live in through the eyes of visitors, and how proud I am of where I live. For its beauty, its culture, its awareness, and its cleanliness.
6. My dogs white, fluffy tummy and the fact that she showed it to me obligingly and eagerly.
7. My glass of wine. The one thing I seem to have gone back to without fail after my cleanse. Coffee, no. Dairy, no except 1/2 and 1/2. Wine, yes and gladly....
8. Missing my boy; feeling glad that I miss him.
9. Community radio and how its diversity, humanness, and thoughtfulness constantly amazes me.
10. And although I am not loving the recent weather, there is something beautiful about sunshine seen through a cloud of falling snow.

Whodunit 2010

As promised to my mom, I took photos of my Whodunit piece. 

Whodunit is a show that the Art Association hosts every two years. They send out 6x6 canvas to artists, allowing them to work within that dimension however is desired. Sign the back, turn the finished art in, and all the work gets hung, nameless, on a wall. It is a visually pleasing show; a ribbon of colorful and diverse canvas snaking around the gallery space. All the work is $99 and show attendees put their name on a list next to their favorite pieces. At the end of the night, a name gets drawn from the list, and that person is the recipient of a Whodunit piece. And they get to see who the artist is--someone famous, someone almost famous, an emerging artist!

I easily forget how peaceful and meditative it is to sit and shape pods. They really are so soothing to make and each one, although fashioned in the same way, comes out so differently, which I love. I need to make more. 

Friendships

I am thinking about friendships tonight. About how there can be so many different kinds in ones life. How some flow in and out like the tide, how some are based on laughter and jokes, others on dreams and deep secrets, and how some just come to a gentle end. Interactions with others are so important, give us strength and assuredness, love and guidance.

There are some friends that are forever. The ones who you might not be near to for days, months, years, yet your conversations are as fresh and comfortable as well loved stretchy pants. Those are the soulmate friends, the people who will always know you, who will always be the ones you turn to in times of struggle or joy. The sisters or brothers.

I am realizing that some friends come into your life when you need them, but maybe recede some as one of you take a new path, explore a new road. And that that isn't a bad friendship, but just one that was invaluable for a certain period, who made your life full and rich within an exact time frame. Like anything, it is best to not hold on with too much preciousness.

Friendships that involve going out, involve walking your dog, climbing a rock wall or any other form of exercise, friendships that are played out as a series of jokes, and friendships that involve finding designer bargains at thrift stores. Friendships that are based on a love for all things artistic or for the noticing of the natural world during a sunset or a snow storm. Our friends and acquaintances form such a unique quilt for our lives, all sections that come together to make a whole, a whole that keeps growing as life moves forward.

I am feeling so full of friends tonight, so blessed and fortunate, while also paying homage to those friendships whose flames have dimmed somewhat.

Three Months to go...

It is hard to believe that almost a year ago Jamie purposed to me on a California beach. This past year has got to be one of the quickest of my life. It is almost like a sick joke that time has played on me, mocking me for being a lackadaisical planner, for not being a bride that has known from birth what colors her wedding would be.

And suddenly the day is three months away. This weekend I went from being sad and nervous to excited and confident. The roller coaster that keeps this engagement period interesting, as if playing up my already slightly sensitive personality, where emotional ups and downs are a regular occurrence. I avoid The Knot emails that tell me the countdown to July 24 and show me the list of to-do's that are not checked off.

It was my parents and my best friend who made my sadness and nervousness turn to excitement and confidence. This day is just a day. What is really important is that I am taking this step with a man that I adore, with whom I will keep experiencing joys as well as sorrows. Marriage isn't about the wedding day, and I will have family and friends there who will serve as witnesses to this fact that our union is a voyage into the crazy, exciting unknown future.

Onwards....

My Champion

My dog is a champion. In my eyes anyway.
We have started going back to agility class. And Olive remembers everything. She knows to take the teeter-totter slowly, remembers how her body glides side to side amongst the weave poles, and focuses on me 110%.
Like many things, it is the human who needs to catch up.
I have forgotten how much fun working with your dog is. We have a different relationship when we are at the Fair Grounds, both more in tune with each other perhaps.
Tonight was the highlight of my night. Amazing how often the highlights of my day involve my dog...

Good Things

Swans highlighted by rising morning sunshine.
Homemade granola with nutmeg and golden raisons.
Sweat dripping down my nose.
Dog kisses.
Wholesome salad goodness.
Warm breezes allowing bared arms.
Snuggles.
Looking at other artists and picturing my own art.
Soft, fleece sheets.

Good night.

Tree Song

Yesterday the highlight of my day happened unexpectedly.

Olive and I went for a quick walk up a snowy Hagen Trail, Olive frolicking in the new snow, running ahead only to speed back to bounce around me before taking off again.

We had to turn around early because of a dinner date with A & M. We happened to stop on the top of a hill. Suddenly, the trees were singing to us. Creaking and groaning, high pitched and low pitched, a melody of sorts was played out in the quiet of the forest. And Olive and I were there to listen.

In these moments, when unusual and interesting sounds abound, I wish that I carried a recorder. I have never done a sound art piece, but have always been interested in doing so. Creating an experience both visually and aurally...

Feeling Rock Again

On Saturday morning we woke up early, filled the camper fridge, loaded an anxious Olive into the truck, and made our way to Lander. It was my first time climbing outside this year, a position that always makes me a little nervous as well as more than excited. There is no comparison between climbing in the gym and feeling plastic under your fingers to scaling a problem up a wall of stone, your pads slowly becoming toughened by the reality of rock. The sun was warm, enough to wear the flip-flops.

What I love about climbing is that everything else melts away. More than any other sport, the details of life take a back seat when you are tied into the end of a rope. All attention has to be on the project at hand; a wonderful opportunity to be completely in the moment.

I did a good job of not letting my head interfere, as it sometimes does. I haven't been training in the gym, climbing is not the highest priority in my life on a weekly-basis, and I am where I am with the sport. It was about being there with J, enjoying his company and the company of R & K, who happened to also be there.

A wonderful weekend....with more to come!

Powder Skiing in April

Our biggest storms of the year are occurring now. Close to five feet in 10 days.
Jamie and I went out yesterday afternoon, after the crowds had died down and we had both gotten some working hours in, and skinned south of Mt. Glory. We saw two snowboarders, who we passed, and then we had the path and forest to ourselves. Such a magical time to be outside in the mountains, the light slowly waning and casting shadows. Because it is spring, the snow was light in places and heavy in others, conditions that made it rough for little dog. But she likes a challenge.

Sleepless in Snowy Jackson

There have been certain nights this past week when I put down Reading Lolita in Tehran (my current read), turn off the light, roll over onto my side, and my mind starts racing. These are the nights that I know I will have to do battle with myself in order to enter dreamworld. Tonight I decided not to fight the thoughts and get up and be productive.

There are so many things to do. Always. Some fun, some not as much.

Tonight the list reads like this, in this order:

--Grant for CCJH to support Public Arts Coordinator position
--Americans for the Arts 2010 Symposium in June (that I really want to attend, but maybe can't afford)
--Wedding details like...invitations, music, men's clothes, decorations, lights, getting my dog to Maine (big one)....this list can go on, but I have seen it all before and don't want to see it here.
--Getting Cedar Lake Contemporary Ballet tickets sold
--How I am going to be an Artist....which leads to...
--Should I go back to school? and....
--For a degree in art-making or art-administrating?

Maybe this slight purging will help.

Snowy Spring...Food Observations...Inspirations

I woke up to big, fat, juicy flakes of snow flying past the window. By the time I got up, three inches had accumulated on the ground and Olive was a polar bear when she returned from her morning routine. It made me feel the anxious, gotta-get-out-and-ski sensation that only living in Jackson can evoke on a regular basis. I also felt like I just wanted to stay in my PJ's, warm with a cup of tea. Spring snow doesn't stick around long though; by the afternoon most of the five inches had vanished.

I am on day six of my ten day cleanse. I have mixed feelings. It feels great to have a goal, to test my willpower, to know that everything I am putting into my body is good for me. I also feel regulated, hungry often, and slightly crazed at times with my obsession of what I am going to eat and when. It is an unsettling relationship with food, maybe because it is a foreign one. I will take with me from this adventure a better idea of what to reach for when I snack, how much to eat in a sitting, and perhaps a little less coffee. What I want to consume next weekend, when I am through, is: chai tea with milk and honey, granola and yogurt, a piece of local made bread with butter, a hamburger (!), and a glass of red wine. Those are the things I miss the most...

My friend B sent out an art blog today, with an email that really struck me because it sounded like myself. It is often uncanny how B's thoughts about her artistic life are so parallel to mine. Not that our situations are unique. In fact, I would say most artists struggle with the creative process and with how to live an artistic life. Her blog and bravery made me smile though. Good job B!

Okay. Enough computer time for the day. I get lost in wedding blog world every evening it seems.