Studio Nerves

Today I fell nervous about my impending and drawn out move into this studio space of mine. I feel like my time gets eaten away by my work, my work that pays, and today I was just sensitively aware of how my attention gets directed. And how I will have to shift my priorities once I am in my studio. It is a good first step to get rid of my CCJH job, but Dancers' Workshop will also have to lessen in its demand. Or I will have to step back from the hold it has over me and my days. That is probably more of the case.

I am more on edge this week about this new venture I am on. A space of my own that I pay for and that is surrounded by other artists. I have all of these ideas that are in my head, not on paper, and I look at artists online and dream about a life of art-making. Harder to say than do. And I don't want to have expectations of myself that fall flat. The balance between not having too high of expectations and pushing oneself towards goals is a hard one for me. I already feel this need to be down there, painting the walls and moving my stuff in. Today I feel a little bit like I have to prove that I deserve to have a space, like others are watching to see if it really was meant for me....

Day

Winter is back. I woke up to wind pounding snow against my window, the morning sky that inky blue that glows with the rising sun. My bed was particularly comforting today because of the weather, and I proceeded to not only have my green tea under the comforter, but my bowl of cereal as well. And then I worked for an hour, Olive never raising her head to ask for a walk. She skied hard all weekend.

The hustle and bustle of DW is endless. I feel lucky that I like everyone that I work with, that amidst the scrambling to get everything done there are moments of laughter and chatting and smiles. I feel refreshed knowing that I am making the decision to only have one job (maybe I will count art-making as a job at times), as if that choice brings clarity to the other work at hand. As much as I may bitch, I am quite lucky, a fact I only seem to notice more and more.

Walking Olive in the dusk. Her eager jumping for joy at being free of the basement, Jamie and I huddled against the wind. I was reminded today, as I told Olive that we would take a walk later and her little ears poked up, that dogs only exist in the present. That the future means nothing to her. I want to remind myself of that more often.

Stillness

I am reading The Wisdom of Yoga by Stephen Cope, per the suggestion of my friend Vanessa. I have been really digging the mental aspect of the Anusara classes that I have been going to, how the envisioning of energy is part of holding the poses, how alignment and breathe are stressed repeatedly. Cope is a teacher at Kripalu, where my dad went while I was in college. I remember visiting him there and it being gorgeous, the Western Mass mountains stretching around.

I read something last night about finding stillness, about being silent and just taking the time to not do. About how opening that can be, how beneficial to the mind and body. I need to find that more in my life. I like being alone, but I like doing things alone and often have a hard time just sitting alone. I notice this especially in this town, where it seems if you are not moving, you are not fully living . I need to slow my life down to some degree, at least guide it in directions where I feel like I can take the time to write, doodle, daydream, and create.

My new studio space is going to help with this. I went and visited her today, in her degree of chaos that is slowly becoming controlled by the work of diligent volunteers. I am so excited about moving down and being in an atmosphere of artists. I feel like I am not putting expectations on myself, not thinking that by moving down there suddenly art is going to come pouring out of me, but rather just simply curious about where this is going to direct and throw me. I need to get rid of things in my life that are not serving me...hard when so many things are...but there are a few pieces that could change that would relieve some stress and responsibility.

The sun shone again today. Olive and I skied down Cache Creek this morning in a beam of sunlight. Tomorrow it will be -20 below and I don't see cross country skiing in our cards. Hold the sunshine....

Time-Work-Beauty-Bliss

Today I thought about how it felt when I didn't have a job a few years ago, about what I did with my time, about how I floundered a bit. I wonder if I would be the same way now. It is always easier to think that the grass is greener on the other side, but I can't help but think that I would use my time better, would feel more confident to do art and writing and put it both out there. Today I felt a bit like I was running behind the bus, just a little late for everything, and like there were multiple buses I was attempting to catch. Too much on my mind and not enough of it is important, or important to me personally!! I am liking DW right now, liking that I am calm about being there, but sometimes the list feels HUGE and insurmountable. And when I find myself sitting for hours in front of a computer screen I wonder if this is what I am really supposed to be doing.

There is a woodpecker that is doing serious work on a dead tree along Hagen Trail. Each morning there have been a few more holes and wood chips on the snow. They work so hard, banging their heads again and again and again. Yesterday Olive and I sat and watched him, my one hand on Olives nape in case she mistook the bird for a squirrel, which has happened. So diligent and eager and purposeful.

The sky a brilliant pink tonight, casting a rosy glow over everything. Having been inside all day, I opted for a dog walk rather than agility in a dirty horse arena. Olive and I met Babs and Zeppo, her Newfoundland and one of Olives boyfriends, driving and Olive and Zep exchanged doggie kisses through the window. Priceless. The open display of affection and adoration. Olive kept looking over her shoulder as they drove away, wondering why we were walking the other direction.

Dance class tonight was the most blissful part of my day. It just feels good to dance. To move in those organic and free-flowing ways. I can feel myself over thinking things, when so much about modern is just letting the flow overtake you. It made me think about how I was when I first started at Augie's, how I just wanted to get things intellectually when the true test was to let my mind quiet. Want to keep that in mind for the next modern class.

A Day of Ahhhs.....

I woke up this morning feeling like I could sleep forever. The rustle of Jamie getting ready for work, the dog snuggle from my favorite dog, a cup of hot tea all got me moving. I had a morning where I felt strong, strong while I was working out at Augies and strong in the fact that I did errands and then came home straight to CCJH work. After talking with my parents.....who are such amazing individuals. I wish that we lived closer, but their blog gives me snippets into their days, reminding me that my writing is important to post for them as well.

Listening to the State of the Union address and feeling hopeful again, although also a little disillusioned by the rhetoric words of government. I want so many things that Obama spoke about; I can only hope that such things can be implemented. When he spoke of education, I couldn't help but be annoyed that the arts and humanities are continually left out of the picture, still after all these years of a failing education system, when creativity and openness is what is so desperately needed. I am reading this wonderful book by Ken Robinson called The Element which talks about a needed shift in the way we educate. See his great talk on TED.com below.

Jamie and I went to our now weekly yoga class and it was all about heart openers and feeling compassion for oneself and others and community. It was a nice message for me tonight. It felt good to stretch open and I really love that this is something new that Jamie and I can do together. I am really loving Anusara Yoga because it is all about getting postures correct and feeling the energy that resides in our bodies, in our muscles. Much visualization, which is right up my alley.

Watched A Dog Year tonight and although the ending was a little weak, it made me cry. What dog movie doesn't? And when it has a Border Collie in it, I am just mush. I am so enthralled by these dogs, by their craziness and sensitivity to everything around them. Olive teaches me so much daily and I know that I only take in little snippets of her education.

Time for bed. Nice to write a bit before my head hits the pillow though.

My Weekend

--Gripped by The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, lying in bed on Saturday morning because I can't put it down. Not the best writing ever, but a super intriguing story.

--A walk with Jamie and Olive, the snowy trail and woods to ourselves, getting Olive all revved up so that she exerts more energy.

--Browse n' Buy scores--new Cloudveil shorts, new Nike shorts, Smartwool long underwear, a super cute shirt dress, black capri leggings, and a styley jacket/shirt. I felt like I was in thrift store heaven.

--A paper show at my favorite art gallery, inspired by the artist Judy Pfaff. www.judypfaff.org/

--More reading and then walking down the elk refuge road in the beautiful afternoon light, the Tetons swirled in a light mist.

--Dinner with friends we haven't seen for a while.

--Sleeping in

--Hanging with Audrey and Mike at their cabin in the deep woods, surrounded by trees and snow. A leisurely breakfast, a short skin up behind their house to ski down amazing powder, happy dogs and owners, cozy cabin, great company and more food, playing Settlers of Catan.

--Home to bed, full, more peaceful than when the weekend started. Hoping to hold on to this mellowness as the work week begins.

32 Years

It felt good to not dread my birthday, as I did last year, to be in a better place where it was a cause for celebration, joy, and play and not dread at turning another year older. I spent all morning alone (with Olive, so not really alone), treating myself to a breakfast burrito and a latte, perusing the Browser racks, and taking Olive for a cross-country ski. I talked to my parents and friends on the phone, felt loved through emails, texts and Facebook, and relished the time by myself, time to just think.

I spent my afternoon in a three hour yoga workshop. It was amazing and the perfect gift to myself. One of my goals this year is to release myself to the powers and connections of yoga, to bring that activity into my life and see how it changes my relationship to myself, others, activities, and daily occurrences. We did handstands (which terrify me. I think that my mom brought me to gymnastics once and that was enough. I can't even do a somersault correctly) and many, many backbends which stretched my body and my mind.

The evening was spent with good friends, with good food and fun cheesy dance music. Birthdays really are about feeling the love from those in your life, from those all over the world and right in front of you, of honoring the fact that you were brought into the world to live a life.