Dealing with Conflict and Will the House Take Away My Husband?

I know that one of the hardest things for me is dealing with conflict. I don't like disappointing people and I would rather have pleasant conversations then ones filled with tension and sideways remarks. The rebuilding of the Dancers' Workshop website has been a thorn in my side and full of conflict, with me, yeah, the referee, the middleman. Our designer (who is my friend and quite a creative lady) and our developer (who is a nice person, but is a bit systematic) loathe each other, a relationship that has developed over the course of this project. They both think that they are right, not really trying to see the others point of view very readily. Today I got to sit in (hopefully) our last meeting together and at times I wanted to scream. And maybe I should have. This has been a good lesson in being more vocal, forthright, and diving right into the conflict. It is a hard process. It has also been a good lesson in remembering that there are two sides (or more) to everything. Which leads me to....

I felt annoyed tonight that I came home and the house was being demolished and Jamie hadn't made it to agility graduation to watch Olive be a champion. I felt awful being annoyed, seeing that this is our house that is being improved upon, but I couldn't help it. And I had to go on a walk to let my bad mood dissipate, and to realize how selfish I was being. That here was Jamie working on the house all day, and I could only notice what he didn't do that afternoon. I won't let the house take away my husband, but maybe I just need to get a little swept up in it too. For a while anyway.

Efficiency & Dog Love

Despite waking up an hour late this morning, for some reason my mind telling me that it was the weekend and that I could snuggle for extra minutes with my pooch, I had a day that felt efficient. And that is such a good feeling. I tend to play such games with myself, procrastinating to the point where I am forced to do everything in a short amount of time, but always managing to get it all done. Would I feel as efficient if I was more of a planner, and my tasks were spread out over days, weeks, months? Would I get satisfaction from feeling like I was doing my job well? Hard to know because I have never been a planner. And probably never will be, for better or worse.

When I am in my house I love only having one dog. When I am outside, on the trails, I adore having a pack with me, watching their interactions with one another and their curiosity with the outdoor world. I can be in hysterics one moment and full of awe at the presentness of these animals the next. It makes me wish that we had a bigger yard and more room. And that Olive wasn't such a princess, but of course there is only myself to blame for that one.

Walking up Josie's Ridge With your Boss..

...who is more like your friend. She can be such a difficult person. I sometimes wonder though if it is because I envy her bluntness, her ability to forge forward and get what she wants. It is a hard balance, keeping your own degree of confidence up around someone like Babs while also learning from her example and pushing forward with your own ideas and pursuits. I go round and round in this job, have for years, between feeling supported and inspired and feeling stifled and routinized.

She called me today at 3:30pm and asked if I wanted to go for a walk. And I was sitting in front of my computer, my eyes dragging and my emails stagnant, so of course I said yes. And as we walked up Josie's Ridge in the setting sunlight, doggies running around our legs, I thought how lucky I was to have a "boss" who takes me away from the doldrums of the office and gets me outside into the fresh air.

I have to realize how much I have, and how much ability I do have to shape this job if I really want to....

5 Gratefuls for Sunday

1. The ability and time to stay in bed an extra hour and read my book, Little Bee...pure indulgence.
2.The time and energy that Jamie is putting into our house.
3. Running with Olive, how our habits are routine to one another (she knows which trails I take, I know that she will tell me if there is a biker coming).
4. A wholesome dinner of local goodies.
5. Community radio that has been keeping me company all night.

Little Voice

I am downstairs painting today. Just diving in and seeing what happens. Trying to remember that I don't have to have a final product. Trying to ignore the little voice that pops up from time to time, asking me what I am doing, why I am spending my time on something that might never make it out of the room, questioning my work methods. It is a hard practice to just keep going and not listen to the questions.

I realize that I live so much of my life wanting something I don't have, waiting to start things when the "time is right", planning for a future that is totally constructed in my head. I am such a thinker and dreamer, not as practiced in the art of doing. I know that I do this with my creativity. I dream up projects in my head, and that is where they stay, as elusive goals that are not quite fully mine because I don't grab them and do. I just finished reading Women, Food, and God and The Artist in the Office, both quite different books, both full of little nuggets. But one idea they both touched on was to start where you are, to be with yourself as you are and not procrastinate, whether through eating, as in the former book, or through other methods of procrastination, as in the later read.

It is amazing, when the little voice is mute, how delightful the painting process is. The act of mark-making and seeing a composition come together before your eyes, through your hands work. How transformative just an hour can be to the psyche, how you feel a shift in connection to your art and yourself as an artist.

This is the start.

Dreams of Swinging & Kingfishers on Telephone Wires

I started writing in a small notebook today that I am going to carry around with me and record situations, items, people, events, thoughts, ideas to later use in art pieces--visual, written, who knows, maybe dance!
It is what I could give to my creativity today. I knew that today was going to be consumed with Cultural Council work, as it needed to be, and that it was not going to be the day that Alissa got to play with some artistic ideas. That will have to be Thursday, which is perfectly okay, because I feel better about my job because of the work I have put in. And I started this notebook, which was a to-do on my art list anyway. Here is what I wrote in the notebook today:
--my dream of being captured on a swing, going really high
--a kingfisher, his distinct long beak jutting out, sitting on a telephone wire above the Snake River. A dirty yellow bush in the foreground.
--fog mixing with the dulled autumn colors, beautiful and subtle
--photos of my dad's boat that looked like paintings or sculpture

Here are some of my to-do's on my art list, recorded in another journal:
--while the weather is still nice, get outside and paint/draw
--order art supplies
--return to life drawing (tomorrow night!)
--organize art space
--get good lighting
--research spaces to show
--library for art history books
--x-mas bazaar?
--sewing lessons?
--organic shapes, as wall pieces, as hanging pieces, as floor pieces
--painted landscapes, collaged, colorful
--sign up for the ArtSpot and make something out of plastic bags
--memory paintings

Starting

What is on my mind tonight...
I am thinking about my day tomorrow, how to shape it, push myself, get done what needs to get done.
I am thinking about my mom and Beth having fun, celebrating each other and themselves for being amazing women.
I am thinking about the questions that Babs asked us today in regards to our jobs--what inspires you, what do you love, what frustrates you, do you feel compensated for your work--questions that I recognize are unique coming from a boss.
I am thinking about my bed, about how excited I am to sleep tonight because my body is sore from a long day yesterday.
I am thinking about how I want to carry a small journal around and record the beauty that I see daily, but which seems to escape me once the days end and I sit down to write.
I am thinking about how excited I am to find a balance between work that pays and work that makes my heart sing, and how eventually the two could mesh.