This is How I am Feeling Right Now...

I just went to the wedding blog A Practical Wedding and read this post and it sums up what I am feeling right now, caught somewhere in the middle of wanting a "wedding" and being disgusted by how cookie-cutter it can all feel.

It is hard to keep this event "you".

A Practical Wedding: Classic APW: The Wedding Industrial Complex, As It Were

What a Weekend or We Almost Made it Out of Town

So. Much. Boogieing.
We got to see Grace Potter & the Nocturnals on Saturday and Karl Denson with the Greyboy Allstars on Sunday. A pretty good mix of music.
Grace Potter makes me want to be rock star. Every time I see her, I leave wishing I had the band-on-the-road lifestyle, purely because she makes it look so much fun. www.gracepotter.com
The Greyboy Allstars performed last night in town, at the Pink Garter Theater, so we were able to dance our way home on foot, under an almost full moon. Again, great music full of funk, and sax, and even flute. Karl Denson has amazing stamina and the ability to rile up a crowd....www.greyboyallstars.com

First it was Moab, then it was biking in Pocatello and a couple nights at Lava Hot Springs, then it was one night at Lava, and then it was five miles down the road to Game Creek. And Game Creek was closed because it was unsafe (guessing because of a mountain lion or something, can't imagine what else would make a mellow trail "unsafe"). We are on the cusp of possibly having the biggest snowstorm of the year tomorrow. And that made Jamie more than nervous. We were literally driving out of town for a little vaca when we decided to turn around and come home. And skin up Snow King and enjoy some really good snow....which made the day lovely.

Pushing life to the limit

I want to live a life where I am totally passionate. Where I push my dreams, desires, ideas, creativity to the edge and then a little further. I want to feel good about my days, look back and feel tired but proud. And not necessarily see a finished product all of the time, but know that the process was invaluable enough.

I don't fully feel this quality in my life right now. I know that I often don't creatively investigate aspects of my life as curiously as I could. Maybe that is why I like working out with a trainer, because, although I have him standing over me, it is my own body and mind pushing me further than what I think is possible. I need to take that quality into my relationships, my work, my art, and my day-to-day existence.

It is probably fear, it is probably uncertainty, it is probably because it often feels safer to be the listener than the doer. It is a quality, motivation, that I want to foster in my life more. Awareness is a good first step.

A thing of beauty today was watching my dancing co-workers and friends perform their latest Contemporary Dance Wyoming piece. The endurance of their lungs and the joy of moving that was evident on all of their faces was a beautiful thing.

An Addendum to the Day:

8:50pm I just got back from hearing Azar Nafisi speak. She was brilliant and beautiful and fierce. The author of Reading Lolita in Tehran she spoke of writing, of reading, of imagination, and the dire need to reinvent our culture as one that honors and learns from art and literature. Our consciousness is sleeping, our feeling in entropy-that is the crisis of our country.  She spoke of the danger of labeling people without really knowing, how we categorize in order to feel safe or politically correct. How we read and write not because we know, but because we don't know and that journey is exciting. She spoke about how the power of literature transcends geographical and cultural differences, how our stories mesh with those of another. What an amazingly strong woman....I have loved every author and poet that the Library has brought for their speaker series. Going to Page to the Podium events have become one of my favorite events in Jackson purely because they leave me feeling inspired, hopeful, and filled with beauty. What a nice end to the day. http://azarnafisi.com/

Belaying

Today the highlight of my day was watching young Latina girls scale the walls of the climbing gym. Their smiles when they came down, having reached the top, were fresh, honestly excited, and genuine. I had so much fun. These three young ladies-A, L, and T-had never climbed and were absolutely delightful. The attention they gave one another, even often offering a hand to literally stand on, and the interest they showed in climbing was inspiring. Listeners and doers.

I was amazed at how their young bodies naturally moved in position to reach a hold, how the instinct of jumping and gripping a hold in a different but more easily manageable way came naturally. The encouragement from below to just go a little further, to rise a few feet higher, increased the girls confidence by leaps and bounds.

I was helping out my friend J with the middle school girls involved in the GAP (Girls Actively Participating) program. http://www.gapjh.org/home.html

It truly was the most rewarding part of my day. I learned a great deal...

A Weekend of White

I was sort of doubtful about "the moment".  I amaze myself that I can be so cynical; I remember being that way about ever finding someone who I would want to share my life with. My cynicism has shifted on that topic (perhaps aided by realizing the falsity of the fairy tale Prince Charming story).

I went on my wedding dress hunt in Chicago excited to just try on fancy dresses. I knew that I had my bargain wedding dress hanging in my closet at home, that a part of me didn't really care what I got married in because, well, it doesn't really matter in the, "grand scheme of things". I was excited to be with my mom, my best friend, and my aunt, to have them present for this part of the getting-married-experience. People that I love around me was most important. And, trying on really nice dresses made of luxurious fabrics, was a bonus.

But the moment snuck up on me. It came in the midst of one of my favorite, if nerve-racking, activities: bargain shopping. And it struck me hard. One moment I was looking in the mirror at myself in the umpteenth white dress and then, the next moment,  I was tearing up. I suddenly realized that I didn't want a quiet, simple, non-obtrusive dress. I still cannot call myself someone who loves the spotlight, but I realized looking in the large, well-lit mirror that I want to be seen on July 24, 2010. And this dress won't let me back out of that.

I can't post a photo in case J takes a look at this blog.

Marketing Workshop

Today I felt more inspired than I have in a long time to be in the field that I am in. And it was through a Marketing Workshop. I secretly like workshops, sitting as if I am in a classroom again, being thrown information that could be valuable and makes my mind feel full.

There is something exciting about strategizing and shaping a marketing plan that would potentially bring success, money, recognition to your organization. About branding a non-profit in such a way that it touches people, consciously or sub-consciously, and makes them eager for the next performance, the next class, the next event.

Sitting there I thought about freshness and change and creativity. I know that part of my current despondency with my job is the lack of all of those things, and partly, that is my own making. And just hearing someone else hold "marketing" in such an exciting light, made me want to do the same.

I think what it comes down to is being brave and trying more strategies.  Talking to more people. Being creative every day, in both personal and professional ways. I still don't think that a Marketing Director is my absolute calling in life, but maybe it can lead me to paths that feel more true in my heart.

It just felt good to have a good day at work.

Sunday, Sunday

Reading in bed with coffee.

Wholesome, if heavy, pancakes.

Inspiring young fashion duo....http://www.forloveandlemons.com... I just had to buy something at their sample sale.

Creative ideas coming to fruition.

Conversation with beautiful C.

Running on the Elk Refuge, one of those moments when I can't believe I am lucky enough to live in a place so gorgeous.

Reading on the porch because it is warm enough to.

Reading on the sunny bed, J and I both engrossed in our pages.

Pad Thai. Homemade.

Watching the movie Up and loving how touching it is. Makes me laugh and cry.

Looking forward to bed.

Good Sunday....

Inspiration

I am so excited that Cedar Lake Contemporary Ballet is coming to Jackson. www.cedarlakedance.com
Everything about this dance company-- their photos, descriptions of their work, videos of their performances--is a delightful, visual experience. And nothing has been more inspiring than their costuming. Perhaps because it reminds me of pods.

I am thinking about basketry recently. About fiber blankets. So far, just sketches. But at least I am doing that....

Brother

I got off the phone with my brother this morning, just loving him.

Honestly, there is a part of me that holds on a little too tightly to the image of my brother as a five year old--tow-headed, an open face of laughter, goofy. He is not that way anymore. He is dirty blond (sludge colored I like to call it, which I can safely because my hair is close to the same shade.), he is quite serious, and all goofiness is gone. But I have to let that little boy go. Because he is a good person, someone that surprises me in his thoughtfulness and his intense friendships and whose dedication and determination is like no other I have ever met.

He is going to buy a road bike so he can ride across Maine this summer with my father, because our dad recently turned 60 and Z didn't think we celebrated that enough (I agree).

He is mourning the death of a friend and was open to admitting that it has been hard.

He is training for a competition and, although he really wants bbq and just one beer, he will wait until mid-April to imbibe. I would never make it.

I think I have to let go of the five-year old Z so that I can better learn from the adult Z...

Signs and Beauty

I love days when you wake up and the signs are all there.
Small signs that indicate it will be a good day, and big signs that talk about the promise of something on the horizon.
I woke up to J's "good morning", more peaceful than usual (he is not a morning person), followed by a hug.
I heard a new song by Martin Sexton on my favorite radio station, KHOL, that was all about following your dreams because life is too short not to.
I talked with my parents and they continue to share their love of the natural world with me, just like when I was little, from screech owls to stars in the sky.
I watched what was part movie, part art piece--A Single Man--with my good friend E. This film is by Tom Ford, fashion designer Tom Ford, and is based on the novel with the same name. Beautifully filmed, about the brevity of life and how we never know when it will end.
I came out of the theater and it was snowing, warm, fat snowflakes, which always makes me smile.

Beauty is all around.

Crow Convention

Olive and I were walking up the Hagen Trail towards Snow King today, the desired direction in the later afternoon when Cache trail is a sea of people and dogs. And the crows were having a convention. Or maybe playing a game of Telephone. Or maybe protecting the dead deer that was somewhere close because a decapitated leg lay as evidence on the path, much to Olive's delight. One would caw, another would answer, and so on, down the row of fir trees.

They are such amazingly smart birds. Common, but really beautiful with their dark, iridescent feathers and their triangle beaks. Although I yell at them when  I see them perched on neighbors overflowing trash cans (really not entirely their fault), they are really fun to watch because they are so curious.

I had a thought, because my walks have been full of crows recently, that perhaps they need to be in an art piece soon....